Try one in your world today
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a skill scroll but the skill is related to an unknown knowledge of FORTRAN. Those who have used similar scrolls in the past have lost their sanity mumbling about “transitive arrays” to an early grave. many scholars believe the scrolls to be a form of dark magic and a form of punishment against man and his hubris.
a tome of summoning but it can only summon fictitious characters from textbooks. characters like the ones portrayed in math books and the like. you can use them an unlimited amount of times but they remember everything each time they come back. it’s a bad idea to summon them as fodder as they will eventually kill you out of desperation.
an amulet of perception, it really doesn’t do anything but turn you into a conceited astrology hipster that always gives their opinion on how you need to “open your chakra” and constantly attempts to strike up sexual awakenings with the general public. it has a hidden trait that enrages anyone that’s heavily spiritual or holy, temporarily turning them to evil.
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Sword with fire enchantment, fire has no regulator and cannot be turned off.
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Bag for holding:
It’s a bag of holding but instead of occupying a bag slot it must be kept in the main hand.
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Sweaty Sword:
Really good sword, strong steel. The handle is wrapped in living leather harvested from the palms of a cursed pervert. It’s always slightly warmer than your hand and it exudes a sticky substance that enhances grip. Smells like corn.
Survival Stew Balls:
A fried ball of…food. It’s rock hard, slightly too big to hold with one hand easily, completely impermeable, and covered in a flaky, delicate panko breaded crust. To eat, boil one in 5 gallons of water to produce a pot of stew. The flavor is different for every ball. Never cook two in the same pot at the same time. Wash the pot thoroughly within 6 hours after removing from heat. especially if it’s made of iron. Under no circumstances are you to reheat the left overs.
Emergency Shews:
Bubble gum that turns into one time use sandals. Once the flavor runs out, you have 30 seconds before the gum expands into shoes. The sizes seem to have been printed on the gum but they’ve long since faded or rubbed off. Durian flavor.
Dead Cat Bounce:
A black bottle with a cat eye painted on it. If you drink the contents and die due to falling from a great height, you will be revived immediately and launched with equivalent force in a random direction.
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I gifted my party a sapient dagger. It was really good too. It was a 1d6 but let you attack again, but rolling a 5 or less on the die makes you insane because the dagger insults the user so badly for missing. If it happened 12 times, the character died. They used it from level 3 or 4 through the end of the campaign at level 18, since there was no cap on how often you could attack again.
Alternatively, rolling a 1 makes you roll the damage against yourself, but it’s a permanent loss of max HP as a psychic effect. It kills you if you hit 0 max HP. Anything that would let you recover the max HP, like straight-up wish (greater restoration isn’t good enough) also makes the dagger not work for you any more because you cheated.
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Wand of Wonder What This Does
A regular wand of wonder that comes with a gambling addiction.
I’m pretty sure that’s already standard for anyone happy to use a wand/rod of wonder after they know what it is.
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Immovable Rod: when activated, it becomes fixed in its position in space, ignoring the motion of the planet. The moment it’s activated, it flies off into the sky or through the earth depending on the time of day, destroying everything in its path.
Potentially extremely useful with a lot of planning, once.
Oh boy, now we run into the problem of “there is no such thing as a neutral universal spatial grid/position”. Since all position is relative, perhaps pressing the button locks it in place relative to the sun instead of the planet? Maybe this special version is marked with a sun symbol, if you’re lucky.
Also note that Immovable Rods typically have a maximum weight or Strength check that can either cause them to deactivate or move them or whatever. 8,000 pounds and DC 28 Str come to mind from one or another version, so this probably wouldn’t tear through the whole planet, but it could still rough up some buildings and moderate rock.
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Periapt of health: this is a small vial with a red liquid inside attached to a small chain. While wearing this, all diseases that you would otherwise contract enter the small vial instead. If the vial is broken, the closest creature will immediately contract all diseases contained within.
Deck of many things (used): the previous owners of this deck got all that they could have wished for. The remaining cards might not be the best.
Ring of mind shielding: the creator of this ring was a bit over-zealous. Along with the usual effects, this ring will censor violence, sex, and other uncouth things.
Cloak of the bat: along with the usual effects, wearing this cloak will also make you speak bat. You will only be able to produce high-pitched squeaks.
Portable hole: this portable hole is bottomless! Anything that falls down the hole is lost forever.
Oof, that periapt of health. Contract everything you can, then chuck it at an enemy. What a grenade.
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Sweaty Sword:
Really good sword, strong steel. The handle is wrapped in living leather harvested from the palms of a cursed pervert. It’s always slightly warmer than your hand and it exudes a sticky substance that enhances grip. Smells like corn.
Survival Stew Balls:
A fried ball of…food. It’s rock hard, slightly too big to hold with one hand easily, completely impermeable, and covered in a flaky, delicate panko breaded crust. To eat, boil one in 5 gallons of water to produce a pot of stew. The flavor is different for every ball. Never cook two in the same pot at the same time. Wash the pot thoroughly within 6 hours after removing from heat. especially if it’s made of iron. Under no circumstances are you to reheat the left overs.
Emergency Shews:
Bubble gum that turns into one time use sandals. Once the flavor runs out, you have 30 seconds before the gum expands into shoes. The sizes seem to have been printed on the gum but they’ve long since faded or rubbed off. Durian flavor.
Dead Cat Bounce:
A black bottle with a cat eye painted on it. If you drink the contents and die due to falling from a great height, you will be revived immediately and launched with equivalent force in a random direction.
Survival Stew Balls:
A fried ball of…food. It’s rock hard, slightly too big to hold with one hand easily, completely impermeable, and covered in a flaky, delicate panko breaded crust. To eat, boil one in 5 gallons of water to produce a pot of stew. The flavor is different for every ball. Never cook two in the same pot at the same time. Wash the pot thoroughly within 6 hours after removing from heat. especially if it’s made of iron. Under no circumstances are you to reheat the left overs.
that’s some stuff you find in the lunch room of an SCP facility
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I have two I will be using in my next campaign:
Ring of attunement: Provides 1 extra attunement slot. (Requires attunement)
Event Staff: This staff allows the wielder to gain unquestioned entry into any “employees only” areas or zones otherwise off-limits to the public. Anyone (including actual staff or other officials) who sees the wielder in one of these areas will assume they are a known employee or other official who is granted special access to the area. Unfortunately, they will all also view the wielder as the least competent and least trustworthy employee or official with the organization. Any actions taken in the area are likely to be closely watched and highly scrutinized by any observer who would know better.
ETA: One from the current campaign in which I am a player character. Our DM thought of this one:
Bullet of Healing:
This magical bullet can be loaded into any firearm. Whomever is shot by this bullet first receives 1d6 piercing damage followed by 1d10 healing. If the initial damage causes recipient’s HP to fall below 0 before the bullet’s healing effects begin, they will fall unconscious and will not gain any healing effect from the bullet. Instead, one death save is automatically passed.
Riffing off the ring:
The Hand of Holding. When held, it can hold items for you and allow to use them with whatever ability you would normally have. Technically helpful in slightly extending your reach, and depending on the niceness of the GM may also mitigate curses or other effects that are triggered by holding the item, since you technically aren’t. You are still essentially wielding, using, and various other verbs-ing the item, so those still hamper you.
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Sir Mix-a-Lot (unrelated) is a traveling potion salesman who shows up for my party at suspiciously specific times, and generally has discounted potions specifically tailored for whatever they happen to be doing at the time. For example, if they need to be really strong, he’ll have a bottle of Sir Flex-a-Lot’s Magical Muscle Maximizer, which does increase the strength of one’s muscles, but not of their bones or connective tissue (it was designed to be used only in bodybuilding competitions), so whenever the drinker does a STR check, they must also make a CON saving throw to avoid breaking a bone or tendon. Need to decipher an ancient text? Try Sir Scripts-a-Lot’s Polyglottal-in-a-bottle, which will let you read unknown languages, but also comprehend all unknown languages, even those of the plants and animals around you, making it very difficult to concentrate on any one thing. (inspired by https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/springtime)
Pathfinder 2nd edition’s rogue class has an ability chain that allows them to have already bought certain kinds of item, and they declare it while on the adventure already and decide they need it. “Oh yeah, I bought a spyglass when we were in that last town.” The lowest level is for adventuring gear-type stuff, and it’s usable like once per in-game week. Later tiers of it expand the kinds of items and the frequency. You do also mark off the gold the item would have cost.
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That’s certainly not great, but this show has way worse.
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Riffing off the ring:
The Hand of Holding. When held, it can hold items for you and allow to use them with whatever ability you would normally have. Technically helpful in slightly extending your reach, and depending on the niceness of the GM may also mitigate curses or other effects that are triggered by holding the item, since you technically aren’t. You are still essentially wielding, using, and various other verbs-ing the item, so those still hamper you.
Haha I like it
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Bag for holding:
It’s a bag of holding but instead of occupying a bag slot it must be kept in the main hand.
Spellcaster focus could work, but I like imagining a barbarian running lopping heads with a machete and a purse.
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I feel like this would fit here nicely
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Axe with increased crit range (both sides)
Flaming sword (no off switch; do not keep near oil, pa}er, etc.
Shock arrows with electrical damage, stun on crit, compulsion to say some wsgelord shit next time youre talking to a new person each time you use one (non-stacking)
Cold spear, extra bonus damage beyond normal, weather table is always like two steps worse (please get it the fuck out of the city!)
Holy sword-but the sword has incentives to make you act like a cliche of how not to play a paladin
Wand of magic missile (can only target abstractions)
Wand of fireball (two charges per user. Not usable by everyone; made by an angry dramatic kinky trans woman)
Immovable rod (no off switch)
Staff of teleport (fixed targets for each charge, comes with the list. Maybe.)
Tome of stat boost (obnoxious)-comes with compulsions (gym bro[toxic], yoga[toxic], raw milk/crunchiness, quoting Nietzsche or von neumann or something at every opportunity, talking in parables, cringe political opinions)
Bracers of archery, must attempt to do everything with an arrow, thrown knife, or other projectile if even remotely plausible.
Cloak of resistance, resists being worn, being taken off
Magic carpet (ugly)
Magic carpet, slightly funny smelling, totally not from an extraplanar brothel, loses its power for a week if washed.
Glasses of true seeing (also everyone’s naked)
Glasses of ‘true’ seeing (or high tech HUD in a cyberpunk setting), functions as normal, but also projects useful information like phrenology charts, relevant conspiracy theories, the best applicable slurs all in a helpful opaque overlay.
Container of endless water (gross) theres like chunks of algae and stuff, a little silt, definitely at least brackish.
Flagon of endless beer (insultingly cheap, but will still get you drunk. Eventually.) Loojs exactly with, and is magically connected to its twin: flagon of endless actual-cat-piss
boots of haste-functions as normal, but when given the option, you must always choose ‘fast’ over ‘good’, cannot delay actions, etc.
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Cape of (Refugee) Flight: you gain the power to fly for your life.
Screaming Cloak of Invisibility: you’re invisible, but the cloak constantly screams, “HE’S OVER HERE!!!” and tries to give away your location.
The Tax Axe: raises both your taxes and your target’s with every swing.
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Survival Stew Balls:
A fried ball of…food. It’s rock hard, slightly too big to hold with one hand easily, completely impermeable, and covered in a flaky, delicate panko breaded crust. To eat, boil one in 5 gallons of water to produce a pot of stew. The flavor is different for every ball. Never cook two in the same pot at the same time. Wash the pot thoroughly within 6 hours after removing from heat. especially if it’s made of iron. Under no circumstances are you to reheat the left overs.
that’s some stuff you find in the lunch room of an SCP facility
It’s a furby right?
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Owo what a tewwible cuwse to put on youwselwf…
How do I delete someone else’s comment?
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Cube of instant castle: Say the keyword ‘open’ to transform this cube into a '200x’200 castle. The transformation happens instantly, and if you’re caught in the area of effect, be prepared to get smashed. The cube is hard of hearing.
