Folks it's the end of the year and that means it's time to look back at the movies we've watched on #Monsterdon this year.
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Twenty-two is GODZILLA: FINAL WARS (2004)!
If what you wanted out of a Godzilla movie is an absolute balls-to-the-wall post-Matrix clusterfuck of an action movie, this is your lucky day! Final Wars is what happens when you give six authors heroin and force them to watch Final Fantasy: Advent Children with Clockwork Orange-style goggles.
Which is to say it was fun, but it makes no sense.
Twenty-three, DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN (1972)!
So I’d love to tell you about the plot of Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein. I’d love to, but... Well, I have no idea what it is. I didn’t forget, I *have* actually seen the film! But, well, this film was directed by the guy who did The Castle of Fu Manchu, arguably one of the worst films of all time.
Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein is incoherent, incomprehensible, and I’d argue incontinent as well. The camera work is blurry, the dialogue is mumbly, even the MAKEUP is bad -- Frankenstein’s grey skin doesn’t go all the way up to his hairline! You can tell where the greasepaint ends! Just a sad, embarrassing film all ‘round.
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Twenty-three, DRACULA, PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN (1972)!
So I’d love to tell you about the plot of Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein. I’d love to, but... Well, I have no idea what it is. I didn’t forget, I *have* actually seen the film! But, well, this film was directed by the guy who did The Castle of Fu Manchu, arguably one of the worst films of all time.
Dracula, Prisoner of Frankenstein is incoherent, incomprehensible, and I’d argue incontinent as well. The camera work is blurry, the dialogue is mumbly, even the MAKEUP is bad -- Frankenstein’s grey skin doesn’t go all the way up to his hairline! You can tell where the greasepaint ends! Just a sad, embarrassing film all ‘round.
Number twenty-four is BOG (1979)! Which, I have to admit, passed entirely through my brain without making contact. I had to look the film up to write this blurb up.
The one thing I DO remember about this otherwise unremarkable hillbilly fishmonster movie is the EXTREMELY COOL lo-fi witch sequence! One of my favorite things about bad movies is every once in a long while you'll get a director who accidentally trips into actually making a cool piece of film like this, and it's great
But yeah other than that it's a pretty dull movie. Shoutout to the styrofoam fishhead, tho, that was pretty funny.
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Number twenty-four is BOG (1979)! Which, I have to admit, passed entirely through my brain without making contact. I had to look the film up to write this blurb up.
The one thing I DO remember about this otherwise unremarkable hillbilly fishmonster movie is the EXTREMELY COOL lo-fi witch sequence! One of my favorite things about bad movies is every once in a long while you'll get a director who accidentally trips into actually making a cool piece of film like this, and it's great
But yeah other than that it's a pretty dull movie. Shoutout to the styrofoam fishhead, tho, that was pretty funny.
Twenty, uh, FIVE! STARCRASH (1979)!
I actually love this film. It's a super campy ripoff of Star Wars with a female protagonist and set design that feels right out of a Mobius sketchbook. And you've got Christopher Plummer chewing the scenery for pennies a day! Genuinely a great time.
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Ooo, what're we on, nineteen? That's SLUGS (1988).
One of the few #Monsterdon movies to genuinely gross me out. The slugs themselves are pretty whatever, but the scene with the slug in the lettuce definitely haunts me.
Anyway, this is another one of those films where every character openly loathes every other character. Which is a nice time-saver, we don’t have to waste time worrying about one beloved character getting offed, we can just cheer as the cast gets progressively thinned out.
@CactuarJoe I will never not think of that slug when chopping lettuce.
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Twenty, uh, FIVE! STARCRASH (1979)!
I actually love this film. It's a super campy ripoff of Star Wars with a female protagonist and set design that feels right out of a Mobius sketchbook. And you've got Christopher Plummer chewing the scenery for pennies a day! Genuinely a great time.
26, CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981)!
A generally-inspired-by-Greek-myth story which is kinda-sorta inspired by the tale of Perseus, plot-wise it's kind of a mess. But the special effects, whooooo boy, that's worth the price of admission. It's Ray Harryhausen's final work and he is firing on ALL CYLINDERS. Little metal owls, giant kraken, MULTIPLE monsters, all of them amazing. Seriously, go watch it. Ignore the plot, it's not worth the effort.
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@CactuarJoe I will never not think of that slug when chopping lettuce.
@trixter EXACTLY
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Twenty, uh, FIVE! STARCRASH (1979)!
I actually love this film. It's a super campy ripoff of Star Wars with a female protagonist and set design that feels right out of a Mobius sketchbook. And you've got Christopher Plummer chewing the scenery for pennies a day! Genuinely a great time.
@CactuarJoe Starcrash is batshit insane and I kinda love it too
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26, CLASH OF THE TITANS (1981)!
A generally-inspired-by-Greek-myth story which is kinda-sorta inspired by the tale of Perseus, plot-wise it's kind of a mess. But the special effects, whooooo boy, that's worth the price of admission. It's Ray Harryhausen's final work and he is firing on ALL CYLINDERS. Little metal owls, giant kraken, MULTIPLE monsters, all of them amazing. Seriously, go watch it. Ignore the plot, it's not worth the effort.
27 is FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE SPACE MONSTER (1965)!
Mainly this movie annoys me because it's NOT Frankenstein's monster meeting a monster from outer space, it's a cybernetically enhanced HUMAN ASTRONAUT fighting off an ALIEN INVASION. Mostly by accident.
Anyway, the plot's a confusing mess and the special effects are mostly of the Wires Stuck In A Block Of Clay Which We Strapped To A Guy's Face school of technowizardry. Big shoutout to the extraterrestrial princess and her vizier, tho, they gave the scenery a damn good chewing.
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@CactuarJoe Starcrash is batshit insane and I kinda love it too
@moira Really if it didn't have that damn Texan robot I'd just put it on all the time.
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27 is FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE SPACE MONSTER (1965)!
Mainly this movie annoys me because it's NOT Frankenstein's monster meeting a monster from outer space, it's a cybernetically enhanced HUMAN ASTRONAUT fighting off an ALIEN INVASION. Mostly by accident.
Anyway, the plot's a confusing mess and the special effects are mostly of the Wires Stuck In A Block Of Clay Which We Strapped To A Guy's Face school of technowizardry. Big shoutout to the extraterrestrial princess and her vizier, tho, they gave the scenery a damn good chewing.
With 28 we reach X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES (1963)!
Sometimes when you set out to make a scifi movie, it's because you have something to say. You want to write a parable about science gone mad, or the dangers of this or the other thing. And sometimes you fail not because you wrote about, like, a mutant monster who shows how bad nukes are, but you fail because the mutant monster would've been an asshole even WITHOUT nukes.
Which is a long way of saying that the main character in this movie didn't actually lose his sight because of The Excesses Of Modern Science, he lost his sight because he was *an asshole.*
Nice makeup, tho, loved the golden eyes. And the ending was a lot of fun, more movies need to end with do-it-yourself eye surgery
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With 28 we reach X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES (1963)!
Sometimes when you set out to make a scifi movie, it's because you have something to say. You want to write a parable about science gone mad, or the dangers of this or the other thing. And sometimes you fail not because you wrote about, like, a mutant monster who shows how bad nukes are, but you fail because the mutant monster would've been an asshole even WITHOUT nukes.
Which is a long way of saying that the main character in this movie didn't actually lose his sight because of The Excesses Of Modern Science, he lost his sight because he was *an asshole.*
Nice makeup, tho, loved the golden eyes. And the ending was a lot of fun, more movies need to end with do-it-yourself eye surgery
Number 29, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986)! In which cars become sentient and start killing.
I dunno, I didn't think this one was notably worse than most other movies based on Stephen King works. Like, is Maximum Overdrive worse than The Langoliers? I didn't think so.
Anyway, it's campy and the post-apocalyptic implications are fun, but "You sure make love like a hero" does occasionally wake me screaming at night.
OH, and it features possibly the least believable post-movie resolution -- it was aliens hiding in a comet but a Russian nuke satellite saved the day! What.
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Number 29, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986)! In which cars become sentient and start killing.
I dunno, I didn't think this one was notably worse than most other movies based on Stephen King works. Like, is Maximum Overdrive worse than The Langoliers? I didn't think so.
Anyway, it's campy and the post-apocalyptic implications are fun, but "You sure make love like a hero" does occasionally wake me screaming at night.
OH, and it features possibly the least believable post-movie resolution -- it was aliens hiding in a comet but a Russian nuke satellite saved the day! What.
Buhhhhh 30! We're on 30. Which is VAMPIRE CIRCUS (1972)! Which features vampires, more vampires, and some cat vampires! And some of the most truly gullible peasants known to man.
Also, as you might expect of a Hammer Horror flick, it also features a lot of bare boobs and buttcracks. But honestly, once you get past the weird dance numbers and the strangely passionless implied sex, there's... Not a whole lot to this film. Vampires come to a quarantined town, put on a show, then die. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Buhhhhh 30! We're on 30. Which is VAMPIRE CIRCUS (1972)! Which features vampires, more vampires, and some cat vampires! And some of the most truly gullible peasants known to man.
Also, as you might expect of a Hammer Horror flick, it also features a lot of bare boobs and buttcracks. But honestly, once you get past the weird dance numbers and the strangely passionless implied sex, there's... Not a whole lot to this film. Vampires come to a quarantined town, put on a show, then die. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thirty one is... Oh geez, THE RAVEN (1963). Like I said during this film, only Roger Fucking Corman could adapt one of the Goth-iest poems known to man, with three of the Goth-iest actors alive at the time, and somehow come out the other end with a fucking BUDDY COMEDY PICTURE. I genuinely believe that if Corman had sat down to make the worst film he could, he'd come out the other end with Schindler's List.
Anyway, the thing about The Raven is that bad movies that try to be funny are a hundred times worse than bad movies that try to be serious. Contact embarrassment is like salt on the bad movie wound, it just makes everything so much worse.
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Thirty one is... Oh geez, THE RAVEN (1963). Like I said during this film, only Roger Fucking Corman could adapt one of the Goth-iest poems known to man, with three of the Goth-iest actors alive at the time, and somehow come out the other end with a fucking BUDDY COMEDY PICTURE. I genuinely believe that if Corman had sat down to make the worst film he could, he'd come out the other end with Schindler's List.
Anyway, the thing about The Raven is that bad movies that try to be funny are a hundred times worse than bad movies that try to be serious. Contact embarrassment is like salt on the bad movie wound, it just makes everything so much worse.
Ooo 32, which is... GODZILLA, MOTHRA, AND KING GHIDORA: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK (2001). Oof.
Okay, bit of a personal note. I fucking hate this movie.
So in the original Godzilla flick, Godzilla is a metaphor for the nuclear attacks on Japan. And he eventually gets defeated when a pacifistic Japanese scientist develops a NEW superweapon on par with nukes. But the scientist takes the secret of that weapon to his grave rather than allow the military to have it, sacrificing his own life to protect not just the lives of people in Japan, but the lives of people in other countries which the Japanese military would threaten with this new weapon.
GMaKG:GMAOT (*deep breath*) REPEATEDLY says how it was THE MILITARY that saved the day and the main dude goes ON AND ON about the HONOR and DUTY of the military and how THEY will protect everyone like they did BEFORE (which they didn't!)! And the film ends with him going, "Let's all thank the military for saving us all again!"
Fuck that.
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Ooo 32, which is... GODZILLA, MOTHRA, AND KING GHIDORA: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK (2001). Oof.
Okay, bit of a personal note. I fucking hate this movie.
So in the original Godzilla flick, Godzilla is a metaphor for the nuclear attacks on Japan. And he eventually gets defeated when a pacifistic Japanese scientist develops a NEW superweapon on par with nukes. But the scientist takes the secret of that weapon to his grave rather than allow the military to have it, sacrificing his own life to protect not just the lives of people in Japan, but the lives of people in other countries which the Japanese military would threaten with this new weapon.
GMaKG:GMAOT (*deep breath*) REPEATEDLY says how it was THE MILITARY that saved the day and the main dude goes ON AND ON about the HONOR and DUTY of the military and how THEY will protect everyone like they did BEFORE (which they didn't!)! And the film ends with him going, "Let's all thank the military for saving us all again!"
Fuck that.
Anyway, 33. LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960). A flower shop assistant discovers a new kind of plant that feeds on human flesh. And promises him fame and fortune if he keeps feeding it.
This is one of those movies where you can tell there's a grain of a good story in there somewhere, it's just encumbered under a low budget, iffy casting, and crappy management. It's really neat to see where the later, better adaptations got started, but other than that, it's kind of hard to watch. The main guy's no Rick Moranis, that's for sure.
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Anyway, 33. LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960). A flower shop assistant discovers a new kind of plant that feeds on human flesh. And promises him fame and fortune if he keeps feeding it.
This is one of those movies where you can tell there's a grain of a good story in there somewhere, it's just encumbered under a low budget, iffy casting, and crappy management. It's really neat to see where the later, better adaptations got started, but other than that, it's kind of hard to watch. The main guy's no Rick Moranis, that's for sure.
Thirty-four, GRIZZLY (1976)! Woof, we're back in Jaws purgatory. A hungry Grizzly bear prowls the woods eating people.
Aside from some *absolutely hilarious* special effects -- the final Grizzly Nuke will linger in memory for quite some time -- Grizzly (1976) is mostly notable for having no complete plot threads. It hints and things to come, and then just... Ends. Immediately. As soon as the Grizzly is dead. No resolution, just cut to credits. Which begs the question, if the director didn't care enough about the story to actually finish filming it, why did he think anyone else would?
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Thirty-four, GRIZZLY (1976)! Woof, we're back in Jaws purgatory. A hungry Grizzly bear prowls the woods eating people.
Aside from some *absolutely hilarious* special effects -- the final Grizzly Nuke will linger in memory for quite some time -- Grizzly (1976) is mostly notable for having no complete plot threads. It hints and things to come, and then just... Ends. Immediately. As soon as the Grizzly is dead. No resolution, just cut to credits. Which begs the question, if the director didn't care enough about the story to actually finish filming it, why did he think anyone else would?
35, SWAMP THING (1982)! A botanist discovers a chemical formula that boosts plant growth! Then he gets doused in it, jumps in a swamp, and becomes a Thing!
Some great special effects and decently competent acting, my main issue with the film is it couldn't decide if its female protagonist was a femme fatale or a damsel in distress. Big shoutout to the final Furry Vs. Fern-y battle, though, more swamp creatures should have broadswords.
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35, SWAMP THING (1982)! A botanist discovers a chemical formula that boosts plant growth! Then he gets doused in it, jumps in a swamp, and becomes a Thing!
Some great special effects and decently competent acting, my main issue with the film is it couldn't decide if its female protagonist was a femme fatale or a damsel in distress. Big shoutout to the final Furry Vs. Fern-y battle, though, more swamp creatures should have broadswords.
Number 36, THE MAN FROM PLANET X (1951), in which yet another spaceship lands in the Scottish moorlands and has to face up to the fact that there's nothing there really worth conquering.
Another kind of bland nothing of a film, in my book The Man from Planet X would be a great PROLOGUE to an actually interesting film in which Earth is struggling to accept alien refugees. But I guess nobody in the 50's wanted to talk about that when they could have laser battles instead.
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Number 36, THE MAN FROM PLANET X (1951), in which yet another spaceship lands in the Scottish moorlands and has to face up to the fact that there's nothing there really worth conquering.
Another kind of bland nothing of a film, in my book The Man from Planet X would be a great PROLOGUE to an actually interesting film in which Earth is struggling to accept alien refugees. But I guess nobody in the 50's wanted to talk about that when they could have laser battles instead.
37, CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954)! A classic of the "White People Fuck Around And Find Out" genre! The fishman gets all my sympathy here -- he's floating around happy as a clam, some goddamn ichthyologists drive up in a boat and start harrassing him, he fights back and they club him with a rock! Justice for fishman! JUSTICE!
Anyway the sequel is much, much worse and this one gets a huge number of points for having an awesome fishman costume.
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37, CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954)! A classic of the "White People Fuck Around And Find Out" genre! The fishman gets all my sympathy here -- he's floating around happy as a clam, some goddamn ichthyologists drive up in a boat and start harrassing him, he fights back and they club him with a rock! Justice for fishman! JUSTICE!
Anyway the sequel is much, much worse and this one gets a huge number of points for having an awesome fishman costume.
38, THE ANGRY RED PLANET (1959), in which the first exploration of Mars turns up an alien civilization and giant amoebas.
Honestly, if it weren't for the *absolutely eye-searing* red-light filter making most of the film borderline unwatchable, I'd be over the moon about this flick. It's less racist than you'd expect for a film from the 50's, the female scientist saves the day, and the pork pie-headed shoot-em-all dude gets slurped by a giant amoeba shortly after sexually harassing his gun -- all good news!
Still. That filter. Eeesh.
