“My my, this old temple is a mess! Who’s going to clean this up?”

Scene cuts to a bunch of kobolds scrubbing the floors and taking out wrecked furniture while happily munching on home-made cookies.

In my head, there’s more than one of them, they’re a group of retirees who chose this method of funding and enabling their ability to tick off their bucket list. They can be NPCs or DMPCs depending on the situation, and explains away the JRPG trope of the merchant in the last boss dungeon. The merchant turns out to be a retiree choosing to set up shop in the middle of their own adventures.

Little did Granny know that a component of her home-made potion is both delicious and addictive.

This is basically Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Oog.

“Can’t be havin’ with this barbarian nonsense!”

“I could be havin’ with his nonsense…”

“Gytha!”

I played a whole Curse of Strahd campaign as “Merrtyle.” She was a bard, didn’t play an instrument. Painted instead. She was a fanatic of Ilmater, and I had her follow a bonkers over the top sect. She went everywhere in a hair shirt, self-flagellated herself with a cat-and-nine-tails, and generally lived the most miserable austere existence possible. Her physical stats were garbage. Once when the party had to scurry up a rope to an upper floor, she couldn’t make it, and the other party members had to pull her up by a rope around her waste. And a common saying of hers was, “hold your horses, in coming…” as the party waited for her to catch up.

She was a blast to play.

Granny is sitting there casually knitting. The adventure looks a bit closer and notices she’s making chainmail armor. Using a ball of stainless steel as yarn. The ball jumps up and down, chipping away at the floor. This isn’t helped by either a small tiger of really overgrown cat, most likely her familiar, batting at the ball. She notices the adventurer staring and asks:

“Hello young men. Would you like some armor? Here, let me check if it fits.”

Granny stands up with the speed of an attacking snake and casually drapes the largely finished armor over him, making his knees almost buckle under the weight.

“Oh dear, this is a bit too big on you. Let me find one a bit smaller, perhaps in a lighter fabric. One second, please.”

She returns as swiftly as she departed, and swoops seamlessly under his arm to take measurements.

Sensing danger, the adventurer reaches for his hilt and draws out his dagger.

The Granny, mouth full of sewing pins, deftly and graciously accepts with a “thank you” and uses it to cut some of the material near the back for a better fit. She sheaves it quickly back into his hilt, and slaps a cup of tea into his still outstretched hand.

“There you go, dearie” she says, patting his bottom.

My mother joined me for a one-shot once and this is basically the character we rolled up for her. She was Nana Ylva, a human barbarian. Her thing was generally trying to solve things non-violently (often using her “Mom Voice” aka intimidation) but if she saw her “cubs” under attack she would rage. She had the chef feat that gave food with temp hp boosts. It was a fun little game and my mom still talks about it sometimes.

Is it cocaine? I bet it’s cocaine.

One of my favourite characters to play was an elderly widow who followed the party because they looked like they needed someone to look after them. She knitted non-stop as they travelled, bundling the completed knit into large bags on her back. When they were attacked on the road, she unclasped the bags, letting the knitting fall to the ground. The knitted wool stirred, and then took the form of her deceased husband and son who fought on her behalf.

She was a reskinned Necromancer, and the wool-golems were reskinned zombies or skeletons. She knitted throughout the campaign, creating more summons, including a green wool owl familiar that draped around her neck like a scarf.

… and she keeps using her self-made sword as a walking stick, which drives all characters with any swordfighting proficiency nuts.

I did this once. She was an elderly half-orc cleric of Chauntea, and she died via TPK.

At some point, I’m going to retry my tortle druid who wanted to do abandoned dungeon monster rescue. I just need a DM who’s willing to play along.