The Bible but TTRPG
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DM: You killed so many people with that donkey bone I think we can stop treating it as an improvised weapon. Here’s a proper statblock.
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The story of Elisha and the boys deserves to be “nitpicked” as well. I haven’t checked for myself, but from what I understand most secular and non-secular scholars agree that the Hebrew term includes babies all the way to “boys” who are in their twenties. This makes better sense of how the term is used in other passages and of why Elisha would encounter 42 of them (which only counts those who were mauled) just hanging out in the countryside.
That’s an apologist’s take not a scholar’s take. Modern translations use “small boys”.
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Asked one of those “Bible is all literal truth” guys one day, “How did Jesus teach?”
“?”
“He taught in parables, right? Stories that aren’t true, meant to illustrate a point.”
“Ok.”
“Is it possible other Bible stories are parables?”
“?”
The parts about feeding poor people are parables. Those stories are metaphors for spiritual poverty. What Jesus fed the hungry was the bread of life, ie, the Gospel. Jesus doesn’t want you to actually feed people, he wants you to preach to them.
Everything else is literal, especially the parts where God created the Earth in its current form in six 24-hour days and decreed there were only two immutable biological genders.
(The prosperity gospel is a hell of a drug. It’s no wonder Trump follows it.)
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Why, thank you! TIL
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The story of Elisha and the boys deserves to be “nitpicked” as well. I haven’t checked for myself, but from what I understand most secular and non-secular scholars agree that the Hebrew term includes babies all the way to “boys” who are in their twenties. This makes better sense of how the term is used in other passages and of why Elisha would encounter 42 of them (which only counts those who were mauled) just hanging out in the countryside.
Here’s a biblical scholar talking about it. The bible specifies small boys, so definitely not in their 20s. Not that having bears eat adults for making fun of your bald head is any better.
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There is a tradition from numerous ancient and medieval sources that Solomon had command over demons because he was the wisest man who ever lived and knew their name and all the ways to control them. This developed into the idea that Solomon had such control over demons that he could force them to build a temple for God against their will, and this is how the First Temple was built. This belief was common in the middle ages but not ever officially sanctioned by the Church.
For more reading-
https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seal_of_Solomon
It’s a pretty metal legend. Solomon was a boss.
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I love how there’s a random cute girl in the top left, no idea who the hell she’s supposed to be, but
.Probably Mary Magnalin. That is pretty funny though
Hmm it might be his mom Mary. She’s j got a virginal look.
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It’s a pretty metal legend. Solomon was a boss.
There is also a legend that Solomon was once outwitted by Asmodeus, who flung Solomon deep into the desert and shapeshifted to pretend to be him and rule in his place. Solomon then had to find his way back and take back his kingdom from Asmodeus.
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How is each an every one of them a hit. Great consistency, 10/10 post
The Daniel in the Lions’ Den one could have had Daniel rolling a nat 20 animal handling check right as the DM warns him it’s not a good idea, that would have been even better.
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The parts about feeding poor people are parables. Those stories are metaphors for spiritual poverty. What Jesus fed the hungry was the bread of life, ie, the Gospel. Jesus doesn’t want you to actually feed people, he wants you to preach to them.
Everything else is literal, especially the parts where God created the Earth in its current form in six 24-hour days and decreed there were only two immutable biological genders.
(The prosperity gospel is a hell of a drug. It’s no wonder Trump follows it.)
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My favourite is the one with Moses coming down with the Big Book of Rules, direct from God. Then getting his pals to kill thousands of his followers for not following the Rules, which presumably they’ve never seen.
Levites: But doesn’t it say in the Rules…
Moses: KILL THEM ALL.
Exodus 32, verse 27
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I’ll point out that the “Jesus and the fig tree” story is a parable. It’s made fun of a lot, but it’s a vicious lesson by someone who was very theatrical in their teaching style. The fig tree is Israel, who were expected by their god to always be in season and ready for their messiah. But when Jesus arrived, they were not in season, and so were cursed to never bear fruit again. It wasn’t an agricultural misunderstanding, it was a lesson and everything that surrounds it gives it context.
Thank you for this. Just passed that scene in The Chosen and was like “Huh. That seemed very odd!”
I really liked your contextual explanation.
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There is a convenience store I stop at which has a self help / religious book rack. On it, there is a copy of “The Action Bible”, and, given it’s cover, I assume this is the DMG for OPs campaign.
There’s also a Manga Bible, which is a pretty rad artistic interpretation as well.
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I think the story is only part of specific mysticist beliefs within the Abrahamic religions and not in any of the main texts
GM: Ask, and it shall be given unto you.
Solomon: I just wanna flip through that collection of splatbooks you’ve got back there.
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when your players are wild but know how to make memorable stories
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I’ll point out that the “Jesus and the fig tree” story is a parable. It’s made fun of a lot, but it’s a vicious lesson by someone who was very theatrical in their teaching style. The fig tree is Israel, who were expected by their god to always be in season and ready for their messiah. But when Jesus arrived, they were not in season, and so were cursed to never bear fruit again. It wasn’t an agricultural misunderstanding, it was a lesson and everything that surrounds it gives it context.
Jesus: curses random tree
Followers: Jesus, is there a problem? You can tell us directly.
Jesus: No, everything is fine *sulks*
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DM: Not that one, Job: I have a special d20 just for you!
Looks like a d10 to me o lord.
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There’s also a Manga Bible, which is a pretty rad artistic interpretation as well.
I mean, I feel like making Jesus a samurai is as authentic to history as making him a blond white dude.
Also, wandering the countryside, helping out the peasants and tweaking the nose of the establishment, gathering a crew of like-minded friends/followers, and culminating in an act of self-sacrifice which results in the protagonist’s willing death? I can easily see how someone could imagine, “what if Jesus, but ronin?”.
Shit. Im gonna end up buying one or both of these at some point…
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My favourite is the one with Moses coming down with the Big Book of Rules, direct from God. Then getting his pals to kill thousands of his followers for not following the Rules, which presumably they’ve never seen.
Levites: But doesn’t it say in the Rules…
Moses: KILL THEM ALL.
Exodus 32, verse 27
Also, at least two of the rules are basically just “my god is better than your god”
Getting genocided and wondering who the fuck Yahweh is
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The ending of that Daniel story is definitely something.
At the king’s command, the men who had falsely accused Daniel were brought in and thrown into the lions’ den, along with their wives and children. And before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones.
Why did I hear the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme in my head after reading this lol
