Wandering Adventure Party

Ragú Unveils Sensory Deprivation Marinara TankSCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation,…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ragu-unveils-sensory-deprivation-marinara-tank/

Congress Allocates $45 Million To Hang Fairy Lights Along U.S. BorderWASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country’s drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. “This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier,” said Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO), who co-sponsored the bipartisan bill aimed at improving the na…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/congress-allocates-45-million-to-hang-fairy-lights-along-u-s-border/

Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you’re listening to is not your mother’s “Jingle Bells.” “Whether you’re out Christmas shopping at O…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/

Cackling Referee Declares Penalty For Pass Interference Shall Be 10,000 Years Of WinterPITTSBURGH—Raising his hands before him as his eyes turned ominously white, the referee of the Steelers–Dolphins game was heard to let out a blood-curdling cackle Monday before declaring the penalty for defensive pass interference would be “no fewer than 10,000 years of winter.” “Hear me, m…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/cackling-referee-declares-penalty-for-pass-interference-shall-be-10000-years-of-winter/

FBI Designates Brown University Shooting A Cold CaseThe post FBI Designates Brown University Shooting A Cold Case appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fbi-designates-brown-university-shooting-a-cold-case/

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly HappensPROVIDENCE, RI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Rhode Island in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from ta…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-regularly-happens-3/

In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering SystemIn-N-Out Burger quietly removed “67” from its order call-out system nationwide, apparently to deter youths from erupting into cheers when the number was announced. What do you think?The post In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering System appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/in-n-out-removes-67-from-ordering-system/

Merriam-Webster Accused Of Bias After ‘Dictionary’ Named Word Of The YearSPRINGFIELD, MA—Facing intense backlash and scrutiny from critics who say the reference book publisher had failed to take all words into consideration, Merriam-Webster was accused of bias Monday after officially selecting ‘dictionary’ as its 2025 word of the year. “Merriam-Webster clearly has a pro-dictionary bias that…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/merriam-webster-accused-of-bias-after-dictionary-named-word-of-the-year/

Gal Gadot Assures Casting Agent She Can Play AI RolesLOS ANGELES—Emphasizing her ability to meet the film industry’s evolving needs, actress Gal Gadot reportedly assured a casting agent Monday that she was more than capable of playing AI roles. “I’ve been told for years I bring a certain lifelessness to my characters,” said Gadot, who emphasized that she had been honing her ability to […]The post Gal Gadot …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/gal-gadot-assures-casting-agent-she-can-play-ai-roles/

How To Keep Your Christmas Tree FreshWith the holiday season getting longer every year, Americans nationwide are searching for methods to ensure the focal point of their decor remains healthy and vibrant through Dec. 25 and beyond. Here are tips on how to keep your Christmas tree fresh. Choose A Genetically Pure Tree Of Noble Heritage: Often the reason a Christmas […]The post How To Keep Your Christmas Tree Fresh appeared …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/how-to-keep-your-christmas-tree-fresh/

Timeline Of Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau’s RelationshipFormer Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and pop star Katy Perry confirmed their status as a couple after a number of public sightings sparked rumors of a romance. The Onion presents a timeline of the pair’s relationship. A.D. 1100 The couple’s common ancestor establishes two distinct bloodlines. 2008 A trembling 37-year-old Trudeau lies awake al…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/timeline-of-katy-perry-and-justin-trudeaus-relationship/

OMG, this is hilarious...https://theonion.com/grandchildren-politely-decline-david-cronenbergs-bedtime-story-offer/#TheOnion #Humor #Satire #Horror #Cinemastodon #Movies

New Eras Tour Docuseries Offers Rare Look At Taylor SwiftBURBANK, CA—Drawing back the curtain on the reclusive and mysterious life of the multiplatinum recording artist, Disney+ premiered a new six-part Eras Tour documentary Friday that offers a rare look at Taylor Swift. “Fans might know Taylor Swift’s music, but The End Of An Era goes where no form of media has ever gone before […]The post New Eras To…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/new-eras-tour-docuseries-offers-rare-look-at-taylor-swift/

Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic DershowitzThe post Newly Unsealed Batch Of Epstein Estate Photos Contains Rare Holographic Dershowitz appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/newly-unsealed-batch-of-epstein-estate-photos-contains-rare-holographic-dershowitz/

Frustrated Trump Struggling To Find Any Infrastructure Left In Indiana To DestroyWASHINGTON—Searching in vain for a meaningful way to retaliate after Indiana lawmakers rejected his Republican gerrymandering push, a visibly frustrated President Donald Trump was reportedly struggling Friday to find any infrastructure left in the state that could still be destroyed. “I’m looking all …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/frustrated-trump-struggling-to-find-any-infrastructure-left-in-indiana-to-destroy/

This Your Best One Yet, Report Nation’s SycophantsWASHINGTON—As they nodded their heads in approval and echoed the sentiment that “you really knocked it out of the park,” all 130 million of the nation’s sycophants expressed their firm belief that this was your best one yet, sources confirmed Friday. “We just want to say we’re really impressed with what you’re doing lately, and […]The post This Your Best One Yet,…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/this-your-best-one-yet-report-nations-sycophants/

Trump Blames High Prices On The PriceWASHINGTON—In response to criticism over his failure to alleviate the affordability crisis facing many Americans, President Donald Trump vehemently blamed high prices Friday on the price. “Prices are prices—that’s how much it costs,” said Trump, calling out Democrats as well as “disloyal” Republicans for spreading rumors that his 2024 campaign rhetoric about lowering costs had […]The po…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-blames-high-prices-on-the-price/

What To Know About ‘Hamnet’Hamnet, based on the 2020 novel by Maggie O’Farrell, is an awards season frontrunner with six Golden Globe nominations. Here is everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who stars in it? A: Paul Mescal plays fuckable Shakespeare and Jessie Buckley plays his fuckable wife. Q: Who is the target audience? A: High […]The post What To Know About ‘Hamnet’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-hamnet/

Grandchildren Politely Decline David Cronenberg’s Bedtime Story OfferTORONTO—Assuring the 82-year-old filmmaker they could fall asleep perfectly fine without one, David Cronenberg’s grandchildren politely declined their grandfather’s offer to tell them a bedtime story, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh, that’s okay, Pop-Pop—we’re so sleepy already,” said 7-year-old Liam Cronenberg, who forced a ya…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/grandchildren-politely-decline-david-cronenbergs-bedtime-story-offer/

Tinsel Draped Over UrnThe post Tinsel Draped Over Urn appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tinsel-draped-over-urn/