Wandering Adventure Party

Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been FilledMILWAUKEE—Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. “While we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop and rolling around in the mud on your fat, pink belly, we have moved forward […]The post Job Applicant Infor…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/job-applicant-informed-role-of-pig-boy-has-been-filled/

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sam AltmanWhile leading OpenAI, Sam Altman has weathered leaked internal memos, an attempt to oust him as CEO, and widespread skepticism about artificial intelligence’s role in society. The Onion sat down with the entrepreneur to hear his vision for the technology’s future. The Onion: Good morning, Sam. How are you doing today?Altman: Certainly! Here are some […]The post The On…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-sam-altman/

God Angry After New Construction Blocks View Of CreationTHE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation. “I worked hard to have a Heavenly Kingdom from which I can gaze down upon all the beasts […]The…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/god-angry-after-new-construction-blocks-view-of-creation/

Sabrina Carpenter Sends Especially Hot Concertgoer To Fuzzy Pink Electric ChairThe post Sabrina Carpenter Sends Especially Hot Concertgoer To Fuzzy Pink Electric Chair appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/sabrina-carpenter-sends-especially-hot-concertgoer-to-fuzzy-pink-electric-chair/

3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking PlantAbout 3,800 workers at one of the nation’s largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employees and committed other unfair labor practices during contract negotiations. What do you think?The post 3,800 Worker…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/3800-workers-strike-at-massive-meatpacking-plant/

Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out ShiftLOS ANGELES—Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood’s highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. “When I heard our film get called, there was no question in my mind—I was going …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/live-action-short-film-winner-celebrates-by-taking-oscar-to-in-n-out-shift/

Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AIPIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I’m going to need to […]The post Unemployed Man Considers Going Bac…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/unemployed-man-considers-going-back-to-school-to-become-ai/

Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning ChoresDALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane […]The post Southw…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/southwest-airlines-begins-assigning-chores/

Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture AgainBURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well, that’s another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and d…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/everything-son-got-at-school-book-fair-about-medieval-torture-again/

FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC FighterQUANTICO, VA—Wincing as the bureau’s director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomforta…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fbi-agents-watch-in-silence-as-kash-patel-gets-ass-kicked-by-ufc-fighter/

Jeremy StarkJeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God.The post Jeremy Stark appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/jeremy-stark/

Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work AlarmThe post Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/beautiful-dream-about-blowing-own-brains-out-interrupted-by-work-alarm/

Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human BreastsThe post Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human Breasts appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/stephen-miller-assures-susie-wiles-he-has-fridge-full-of-healthy-human-breasts/

Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL AgainLEAWOOD, KS—Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fiancée Taylor Swift had signed him up for the NFL again. “She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house,” said the …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/travis-kelce-bummed-fiancee-signed-him-up-for-nfl-again/

Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On LineWASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP—I need to convince him to reopen his water,” said […]The post Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-demands-staff-get-king-of-hormuz-on-line/

Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. JordanHIDDEN HILLS, CA—Expressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. “He’s handsome, he’s talented, and he’s great with my kids,” said the 28-year-old Jenner, who described the connection she had with the Sinners star as “unbreakable” and “unmatched.” “Celebra…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/kylie-jenner-gushes-over-partner-michael-b-jordan/

Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD VanceWASHINGTON—Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. “How’s a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get withi…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-beefs-up-security-presence-after-frighteningly-close-brush-with-jd-vance/

History Of St. Patrick’s DayOriginally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday. 432 A.D. St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out of Ireland for failing to meet the three-drink minimum. 521 St. Brigid […]The post History Of St. Patrick’s Day appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/history-of-st-patricks-day/

Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels WorstKALISPELL, MT—Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. “We’re all coordinating with each other to ensure that at the precise moment he thinks he’s hi…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/friends-coworkers-announce-plan-to-gang-up-on-depressed-man-right-when-he-feels-worst/

How To Survive An AvalancheEvery year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Here’s ways to avoid an untimely death by snow. Check God’s Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate He’s angry with you, it’s best to stay in. Get Ready: To help ensure you are prepared, try getting […]The post How To Survive An Avalanche appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/how-to-survive-an-avalanche/