Wandering Adventure Party

Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’The post Trump To Europe: ‘Getting Greenland Was Mr. Dilbert’s Final Wish’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-to-europe-getting-greenland-was-mr-dilberts-final-wish/

Woman Throws Self On Grenade By Answering Call From Dysregulated FriendMILFORD, MA—Wincing at the blast of guttural sobs erupting from the speaker as she picked up, local woman Anna Higgins reportedly threw herself on a grenade Tuesday by answering a phone call from her dysregulated friend. “I’m so sorry, Jennifer—it must be really hard to get dumped so soon after you stopped taking your an…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/woman-throws-self-on-grenade-by-answering-call-from-dysregulated-friend/

Tim Allen Calls Out Oscars For Failure To Recognize Movies Where Guy Turns Into DogLOS ANGELES—Noting that this year’s nominations had once again completely omitted an important sector of cinema, actor Tim Allen took to social media Thursday to call out the Oscars for failing to recognize movies where a guy turns into a dog. “By not elevating these films, the Academy is sending …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tim-allen-calls-out-oscars-for-failure-to-recognize-movies-where-guy-turns-into-dog/

David HammondThe post David Hammond appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/david-hammond/

Medieval Scribe Keeps Forgetting ‘Whence/Whither’ RuleThe post Medieval Scribe Keeps Forgetting ‘Whence/Whither’ Rule appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/medieval-scribe-keeps-forgetting-whence-whither-rule/

Fact-Checking Trump On GreenlandPresident Trump announced Wednesday that a framework for a future Greenland deal had been reached. The Onion assesses the veracity of Trump’s statements regarding Greenland.  Claim: Greenland needs protection from Russia and China. Partially true: Greenland needs protection from Russia, China, and the United States. Claim: America will use military force to acquire Greenland if […]The post Fact-C…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fact-checking-trump-on-greenland/

Scientists Witness 2 Dogs Mating For First TimeThe post Scientists Witness 2 Dogs Mating For First Time appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/scientists-witness-2-dogs-mating-for-first-time/

Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough FruitCHICAGO—Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American Medical Association warned Tuesday that Americans were not sensually eating enough fruit. “While it’s recommended that adults erotically suck on at least two pieces of fruit daily, many people are falling far sho…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/health-experts-warn-americans-not-sensually-eating-enough-fruit/

Dwayne Johnson Intrigued After Learning About Special Trophy For Good ActorsLOS ANGELES—Leaning forward in his seat as a number of questions raced through his mind, Dwayne Johnson was reportedly intrigued Monday after learning there was a special trophy for good actors. “Huh, interesting—and you said they give them out every year?” asked Johnson, who frowned as he racked his brain in a…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dwayne-johnson-intrigued-after-learning-about-special-trophy-for-good-actors/

Mary Hill and Becca CoxThe couple wed Saturday after realizing they could not, in fact, get the venue and vendor deposits back.The post Mary Hill and Becca Cox appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mary-hill-and-becca-cox/

Red HouseFour-window square house complete with chimney smoke, two stick parents, and a large sun. Reference #84067The post Red House appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/red-house/

Two-Star Michelin Restaurant Given One-Star Hygiene RatingYnyshir, a Welsh restaurant with two Michelin stars, has been given a one star hygiene rating by food standards inspectors, with the chef responding to the score by claiming he has “the highest standards in the world.” What do you think?The post Two-Star Michelin Restaurant Given One-Star Hygiene Rating appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/two-star-michelin-restaurant-given-one-star-hygiene-rating/

Nation Yearns For Relative Calm Of ‘President A Giant Pedophile’ News CycleWASHINGTON—Expressing deep fondness for those long-gone halcyon days, the U.S. population collectively yearned Tuesday for the relative calm of the “president is a giant pedophile” news cycle. “It was a simpler time then, back when all people wanted to talk about was the leader of the country molesting underage gir…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/nation-yearns-for-relative-calm-of-president-a-giant-pedophile-news-cycle/

Victoria Beckham Asks Reddit To Explain Beckham Family Feud To HerLONDON—Determined to get to the bottom of the highly publicized estrangement, fashion designer Victoria Beckham reportedly took to Reddit Tuesday to anonymously ask for someone to explain the Beckham family feud to her. “Sorry, I’m feeling kind of out of the loop here, could someone explain what’s going on with the son?” the 51-ye…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/victoria-beckham-asks-reddit-to-explain-beckham-family-feud-to-her/

To Noem Is To Love ‘EmThe post To Noem Is To Love ‘Em appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/to-noem-is-to-love-em/

Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In BathroomGENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. “Whether you’re feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relati…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/anxiety-experts-recommend-sneaking-off-to-do-drugs-in-bathroom/

Travis Kelce Asks Taylor Swift If Jason Can Also Get Married With ThemLEAWOOD, KS—Stressing that he wouldn’t want his best bud to feel left out on such a special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancée Taylor Swift this week if, during their upcoming wedding, his brother Jason could get married with them too. “It wouldn’t feel right if Jason wasn’t up there wi…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/travis-kelce-asks-taylor-swift-if-jason-can-also-get-married-with-them/

Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In BasementARLINGTON, VA—In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didn’t get to have any food at all. “Think of the poor, f…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/stephen-miller-reminds-picky-eater-son-that-there-starving-kids-in-basement/

All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be EasyAt my age, most people have given up on their dreams. They go to college, settle down, get steady careers. Pretty soon, they’ve spent so much time on the corporate money-go-round they can’t even remember what got their engines going in the first place. But I could never see myself holding down a nine-to-five like […]The post All I Ever W…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/all-i-ever-wanted-is-to-be-a-musician-and-for-music-to-be-easy/

Kimberly CunninghamIt turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/kimberly-cunningham/