Wandering Adventure Party

Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying ForThe post Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying For appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rifle-wielding-chair-umpire-asks-crowd-if-making-noise-during-australian-open-truly-worth-dying-for/

LeBron James Clearly Using Golf Simulator On BenchThe post LeBron James Clearly Using Golf Simulator On Bench appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/lebron-james-clearly-using-golf-simulator-on-bench/

TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey EpsteinTikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word “Epstein” in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think?The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tiktok-blocks-mentions-of-jeffrey-epstein/

New Sydney Sweeney Lingerie Line Will Accommodate Sizes Humungo Through AwoogaThe post New Sydney Sweeney Lingerie Line Will Accommodate Sizes Humungo Through Awooga appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/new-sydney-sweeney-lingerie-line-will-accommodate-sizes-humungo-through-awooga/

RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across CarpetWASHINGTON—In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one’s ass across carpet. “Doctors won’t tell you this, but you don’t need medication f…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rfk-jr-demonstrates-how-to-remove-tapeworm-by-scooting-ass-across-carpet/

Trump On Prosecution Of Journalists: ‘Bring Me The Tapper’The post Trump On Prosecution Of Journalists: ‘Bring Me The Tapper’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-on-prosecution-of-journalists-bring-me-the-tapper/

AMC Unveils ‘The Moment’ Commemorative Poppers BucketThe post AMC Unveils ‘The Moment’ Commemorative Poppers Bucket appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/amc-unveils-the-moment-commemorative-poppers-bucket/

Ted Nugent Releases Protest Song ‘Skanks Of Minneapolis’The post Ted Nugent Releases Protest Song ‘Skanks Of Minneapolis’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ted-nugent-releases-protest-song-skanks-of-minneapolis/

Charlotte Aitchison Relieved To Shed Charli XCX Character After 15 Years Of Promoting ‘The Moment’LOS ANGELES—After 15 years of promoting the A24 film The Moment, actress Charlotte Aitchison told reporters Friday she was relieved to shed the character Charli XCX. “Playing Charli has been an actor’s dream,” said Aitchison, the 33-year-old thespian, who reportedly bea…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/charlotte-aitchison-relieved-to-shed-charli-xcx-character-after-15-years-of-promoting-the-moment/

Culinary Students Given Live Baby To Learn How To Care For Bag Of FlourHYDE PARK, NY—Stifling their groans as an instructor distributed the wailing infants, students at the Culinary Institute of America were reportedly given a live baby Friday to learn how to care for a bag of flour. “Flour is the most delicate of the pantry staples, and looking after this child for the week will prepare [……#theonionhttps://theonion.com/culinary-students-given-live-baby-to-learn-how-to-care-for-bag-of-flour/

Ilhan Omar Sprayed With Liquid At Town HallRep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) was rushed by a man during a town hall and sprayed with what was revealed to be apple cider vinegar from a syringe, the attack coming amid a broad surge in violence against lawmakers. What do you think?The post Ilhan Omar Sprayed With Liquid At Town Hall appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ilhan-omar-sprayed-with-liquid-at-town-hall/

Trump’s First Year In OfficeThe post Trump’s First Year In Office appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trumps-first-year-in-office/

Trump Asks Nicki Minaj To Explain Eating AssWASHINGTON—Pulling her aside at a Treasury Department event Wednesday, President Donald Trump reportedly asked hip-hop artist Nicki Minaj to explain eating ass. “Explain it to me, in the simplest terms,” said the bewildered 79-year-old president of the United States, who clasped Minaj’s hand and looked her in the eye as he urged her to enlighten him […]The post Trump Asks …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-asks-nicki-minaj-to-explain-eating-ass/

Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Spotted Wearing Glove Over HeadThe post Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Spotted Wearing Glove Over Head appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-after-trump-spotted-wearing-glove-over-head/

Report: More Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Turning To AlchemyWASHINGTON—According to a report released this week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a record number of Americans are finding themselves forced to make ends meet by retreating into their underground laboratories and practicing alchemy. “Even though I work long hours at my warehouse job, I still won’t be able to pay the bill…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-more-americans-forced-to-make-ends-meet-by-turning-to-alchemy/

Noah Wyle Fed Up With Pushy Fan Tracheotomy RequestsSANTA BARBARA, CA—Groaning as yet another stranger shoved a ballpoint pen in his face, actor Noah Wyle stated Thursday that he was fed up with pushy fan tracheotomy requests. “Listen, I love that you love my work, but I’m just trying to grab breakfast with my family right now, not cut through any windpipes, okay?” […]The post Noah Wyle Fed Up With Pushy Fan…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/noah-wyle-fed-up-with-pushy-fan-tracheotomy-requests/

H&M Staff Gathers To Watch Man Struggle To Refold ShirtNEW YORK—Perking up with excitement after spotting a customer in the process of completely humiliating himself, the entire staff of a midtown H&M store reportedly gathered Thursday to watch a man struggle to refold a shirt. “Oh my God, everyone get out of the break room—you seriously have got to see this,” said sales associate […]The post H&M Staff Gat…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/hm-staff-gathers-to-watch-man-struggle-to-refold-shirt/

Parents Of Safdie Brothers Don’t Care What Oscars Say, They Liked Both Movies EquallyNEW YORK—Stating that they were “so proud, so, so proud,” the parents of filmmakers Josh and Benny Safdie reportedly told their sons Thursday that regardless of what the Academy says, they liked both films equally. “One nomination, nine nominations—The Smashing Machine and Marty Supreme are both…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/parents-of-safdie-brothers-dont-care-what-oscars-say-they-liked-both-movies-equally/

What To Know About The 2026 GrammysThe 68th Annual Grammy Awards take place Feb. 1. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year’s ceremony. Q: Who will be there? A: Anyone who’s anyone in the world of mouth noises. Q: How can I watch? A: The best way to experience the Grammys is a 30-second recap from your […]The post What To Know About The 2026 Grammys appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-the-2026-grammys/

ICE Agent Stuffs Sock Under Mask To Give Himself ChinThe post ICE Agent Stuffs Sock Under Mask To Give Himself Chin appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ice-agent-stuffs-sock-under-mask-to-give-himself-chin/