Wandering Adventure Party

Tech Billionaires Threaten To Flee California Over Proposed Vest TaxSAN FRANCISCO—Citing a right to keep their torsos sheathed in windproof synthetic fabrics, tech billionaires were reportedly threatening to flee California on Monday over a proposed statewide vest tax. “If the legislature passes this measure, you can bet that countless entrepreneurs and venture capitalists are going to pack th…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tech-billionaires-threaten-to-flee-california-over-proposed-vest-tax/

Images Of National Parks Replaced With Trump’s Face On Annual PassesThe Interior Department announced plans to replace a picturesque image of Glacier National Park on the 2026 “America the Beautiful” pass with President Trump’s face, prompting a lawsuit from an environmental group. What do you think?The post Images Of National Parks Replaced With Trump’s Face On Annual Passes appeared first on…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/images-of-national-parks-replaced-with-trumps-face-on-annual-passes/

MTA Admits To Fabricating Large Parts Of Subway MapNEW YORK—In an effort to bring greater transparency to the city’s public transit system, New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority released a statement Monday admitting that large parts of its subway map had been fabricated. “Despite the common belief that the map is an accurate representation of the nation’s largest subway system, it in fact depicts [……#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mta-admits-to-fabricating-large-parts-of-subway-map/

Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To GoThe post Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/felt-beard-taped-to-childs-face-hanging-on-for-dear-life-with-entire-christmas-pageant-to-go/

Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa will come down the chimney a little gingerly, because Santa is very sore from attempting to regrow his […]The post Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin-2/

McConaissance Quietly ConcludesThe post McConaissance Quietly Concludes appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mcconaissance-quietly-concludes/

Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of MoneyThe post Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-assures-struggling-nation-he-has-plenty-of-money/

Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods DumpstersNAPERVILLE, IL—Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. “We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with,” said […]The post Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Fo…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/aldi-ceo-chased-off-from-whole-foods-dumpsters/

New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building PyramidsUNIVERSITY PARK, PA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received significant…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/new-research-reveals-ancient-egyptians-received-significant-help-from-parents-while-building-pyramids/

Political Profile: Jack SchlossbergJack Schlossberg, who is best known for his provocative social media presence and for being the grandson of John F. Kennedy, announced a run for U.S. Congress. Here’s everything you need to know about the Democrat. Core Belief: Americans are sicker of gerontocracy than nepotism Reason For Running: Bored Dream Job: MrBeast Role In Fraternity: […]The post Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg ap…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/political-profile-jack-schlossberg/

Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic NecessitiesFundraising website GoFundMe reported a sharp uptick in the number of people using the platform to help cover the cost of basic necessities, including housing, food, and other day-to-day expenses. What do you think?The post Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/

Joe Flacco’s Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In BedroomCINCINNATI—Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. “I need a big, strong quarterback to come score a touchdown,” Grady …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/joe-flaccos-wife-dresses-as-giant-football-to-spice-things-up-in-bedroom/

Coworker Returning From European Vacation Brings Back Latvian Man For Everyone To ShareMINNEAPOLIS—Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. “I couldn’t get enough of him when I was abroad,” said He…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/coworker-returning-from-european-vacation-brings-back-latvian-man-for-everyone-to-share/

Campbell’s Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense SoupsCAMDEN, NJ—Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell’s announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. “Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, […]The post Campbell’s Unveils New Li…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/campbells-unveils-new-line-of-self-defense-soups/

MS NOW Lures New Viewers With Rotating Gyro Spit In Corner Of ScreenNEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ms-now-lures-new-viewers-with-rotating-gyro-spit-in-corner-of-screen/

Travis Kelce Worried Patrick Mahomes’s ACL Tear Will Derail ‘Harlem Shake’ Groomsmen EntranceThe post Travis Kelce Worried Patrick Mahomes’s ACL Tear Will Derail ‘Harlem Shake’ Groomsmen Entrance appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/travis-kelce-worried-patrick-mahomess-acl-tear-will-derail-harlem-shake-groomsmen-entrance/

Downer and Blitzin’The post Downer and Blitzin’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/downer-and-blitzin/

Ragú Unveils Sensory Deprivation Marinara TankSCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation,…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ragu-unveils-sensory-deprivation-marinara-tank/

Congress Allocates $45 Million To Hang Fairy Lights Along U.S. BorderWASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country’s drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. “This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier,” said Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO), who co-sponsored the bipartisan bill aimed at improving the na…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/congress-allocates-45-million-to-hang-fairy-lights-along-u-s-border/

Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you’re listening to is not your mother’s “Jingle Bells.” “Whether you’re out Christmas shopping at O…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/