Wandering Adventure Party

OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating TrumpSAN FRANCISCO—Heralding what it called a “bold new age” in warping the mind of the nation’s elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator Thursday marketed toward White House advisors manipulating President Donald Trump. “Our new Stephen video generator is an easy, user-frien…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/openai-introduces-premium-video-generator-for-white-house-advisors-manipulating-trump/

OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating TrumpSAN FRANCISCO—Heralding what it called a “bold new age” in warping the mind of the nation’s elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator Thursday marketed toward White House advisors manipulating President Donald Trump. “Our new Stephen video generator is an easy, user-frien…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/openai-introduces-premium-video-generator-for-white-house-advisors-manipulating-trump/

OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating TrumpSAN FRANCISCO—Heralding what it called a “bold new age” in warping the mind of the nation’s elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator Thursday marketed toward White House advisors manipulating President Donald Trump. “Our new Stephen video generator is an easy, user-frien…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/openai-introduces-premium-video-generator-for-white-house-advisors-manipulating-trump/

Keys, Spare Change Fly Out Of Luge Athlete’s Pocket On First TurnThe post Keys, Spare Change Fly Out Of Luge Athlete’s Pocket On First Turn appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/keys-spare-change-fly-out-of-luge-athletes-pocket-on-first-turn/

Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal RecordInternal Department of Homeland Security documents revealed that less than 14% of the nearly 400,000 immigrants arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement last year had charges or convictions for violent criminal offenses. What do you think?The post Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record appear…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-less-than-14-of-those-arrested-by-ice-had-criminal-record/

DraftKings Introduces In-Dream BettingBOSTON—In a move hailed as a breakthrough for round-the-clock gambling, sports betting company DraftKings announced Tuesday that users would now be able to place wagers directly from within their dreams. “At DraftKings, we know the action never sleeps, and you should be able to wager however—and whenever—you want, even from deep REM sleep,” CEO Jason Robins […]The post DraftKings Intr…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/draftkings-introduces-in-dream-betting/

Study Finds Macaws Evolved Vibrant Coloration To Pass The TimeCAMBRIDGE, MA—Claiming there simply wasn’t much else going on for the birds over the past several million years, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University ornithologists found that macaws evolved their vibrant coloration as a way to pass the time. “According to our research, macaws’ striking plumage arose as a result of the New Worl…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/study-finds-macaws-evolved-vibrant-coloration-to-pass-the-time/

Allen Goltham and Ryne BaxterThe severely hungover pair woke up married Sunday morning after an alcohol-fueled six years of courtship and dating.The post Allen Goltham and Ryne Baxter appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/allen-goltham-and-ryne-baxter/

Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired CouponThe post Mom Strong Arms Cashier Into Accepting Expired Coupon appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mom-strong-arms-cashier-into-accepting-expired-coupon/

‘I Could Totally Do That,’ Says Correct Man Watching Luge EventOWENSBORO, KY—Insisting that the Winter Olympic sport was “basically just lying there and letting gravity happen,” local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldn’t be that difficult. “Not to shit on these guys, but c’mon, if you can successfully go down a waterslide, you’ve pretty much…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/i-could-totally-do-that-says-correct-man-watching-luge-event/

Barstool Sports Spins Off New Literary JournalCHICAGO—Seeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism. Representatives at the sports website told reporters that Confluences would allow Barstool staff to supplement their usual o…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/barstool-sports-spins-off-new-literary-journal/

Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For WinterThe post Ron Howard Molts Baseball Cap To Grow Warmer Hat For Winter appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ron-howard-molts-baseball-cap-to-grow-warmer-hat-for-winter/

Rival On AnimeNation.com Up To His Usual HorseshitYARMOUTH, ME—As he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message board’s biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. “It’s not even noon, and he’s already being a huge prick to someone who just said they […]The post Rival On Anime…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rival-on-animenation-com-up-to-his-usual-horseshit/

Mystery HouseYou can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000…or take your chances on the mystery house! Reference #68379The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mystery-house/

Trump Attempts To Distract From Epstein Files By Gaining 200 PoundsThe post Trump Attempts To Distract From Epstein Files By Gaining 200 Pounds appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-attempts-to-distract-from-epstein-files-by-gaining-200-pounds/

Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple ‘I’m Sorry’ Could Make This All Go AwayWASHINGTON—Advising her that even the most basic gesture of contrition would solve all her problems instantly, lawmakers reminded convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell on Monday that a simple “I’m sorry” could make all this go away. “We’re just asking for two simple words that demonstrate you feel a s…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ghislaine-maxwell-reminded-that-a-simple-im-sorry-could-make-this-all-go-away/

Report: Poisonings Of Domestic Partners Have IncreasedThe Department of Homeland Security warned that the use of toxins, such as ricin and cyanide, to poison domestic partners has increased over the last five years, driven by several factors including accessibility of online information, ease of obtaining certain chemicals, and perceived difficulty in detection. What do you think?The post Report: Poisonings…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-poisonings-of-domestic-partners-have-increased/

All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, AnsweredWith the popularity of streaming megahit KPop Demon Hunters, the formation of “global girl group” Katseye, and the reunion of superstars BTS, Korean pop music’s influence on American pop culture is stronger than ever. The Onion shares everything you need to know about K-pop. Who are some of the major K-pop groups?BTS, EXO, NCT, NCIS, […]The post All The Questions Yo…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/all-the-questions-you-have-about-k-pop-answered/

Alan AndrewsThe family of Alan Andrews, 52, welcomes any suggestions for alternate phrasings of “suicide by cop.”The post Alan Andrews appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/alan-andrews/

Study Finds 98% Recidivism Rate Among Americans Who Burn Mouths On Hot FoodSTANFORD, CA—In a comprehensive, decade-long study of the self-destructive pattern, researchers at Stanford University recorded a shocking 98% recidivism rate among Americans who had burned their mouths on hot food. Despite the lingering numbness on their tongues or the roofs of their mouths, the study found that …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/study-finds-98-recidivism-rate-among-americans-who-burn-mouths-on-hot-food/