Wandering Adventure Party

Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates ThemCINCINNATI—Saying the man’s reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at his company’s holiday party by telling his coworkers he appreciated them. “It’s normal to have a couple of drinks d…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/man-humiliates-himself-at-holiday-party-by-telling-coworkers-he-appreciates-them/

Hometown Unveils Disappointing MicrobreweryBOERNE, TX—Providing an underwhelming new dining option for those returning to visit family in the area, people who grew up in a small Texas suburb were informed this week that their hometown had unveiled a disappointing local microbrewery. “You like those IPAs, right? They supposedly got lots of those,” said one family member, revealing that the […]The post Hometown Unveils…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/hometown-unveils-disappointing-microbrewery/

Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber ShiftPHILADELPHIA—In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift. “And what can you tell us about how bull riding has changed since—oh shit,…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/terry-gross-conducts-fresh-air-interview-on-bluetooth-during-uber-shift/

Japanese Monk RacksBrain For Haiku That Will KnockThem On Their AssesHIRAIZUMI- CHŌ, NISHIIWAI, IWATE, JAPAN— Struggling to decide whether one on fall or spring would rock their shit more, Zen monk Ken Ito strained for a haiku to knock them on their asses. “I could mess them up with that Bashō one about the full moon’s splendor,” the Buddhist monk said Wednesday, seeing a tour […]The post Ja…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/japanese-monk-racksbrain-for-haiku-that-will-knockthem-on-their-asses/

UnfairportThe post Unfairport appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/unfairport/

Multiple Countries Boycott Eurovision Over Israel’s ParticipationSeveral European broadcasters including Ireland, Spain, and the Netherlands announced a boycott of the 2026 Eurovision Song Contest after Israel was allowed to participate, arguing it’s inappropriate given the humanitarian suffering in Gaza. What do you think?The post Multiple Countries Boycott Eurovision Over Israel’s Participation…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/multiple-countries-boycott-eurovision-over-israels-participation/

Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.LOS GATOS, CA—In an attempt to fend off growing competition from Paramount and Netflix, Plex CEO Keith Valory announced Monday that the streaming platform had submitted a $35 bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. “We believe the Harry Potter and DC universes will prove excellent additions to our slate of free-to-stream titles including Petticoat Junction and […]The post Plex Submits $35 Bid For…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/plex-submits-35-bid-for-warner-bros/

Fact-Checking Trump On AffordabilityPresident Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s claims. Claim: The cost of living is low. True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a […]The post Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability appeared first…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fact-checking-trump-on-affordability/

Hollywood Films Increasingly Funded By Saudi ArabiaHollywood is increasingly looking to Saudi Arabia for financing as other sources of money have dried up in the aftermath of the Covid-19 pandemic, though the kingdom’s controversial human rights record makes the relationship potentially problematic. What do you think?The post Hollywood Films Increasingly Funded By Saudi Arabia appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/hollywood-films-increasingly-funded-by-saudi-arabia/

Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through ArcticTHE ARCTIC CIRCLE—With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey has spent weeks on a ship pursuing Dr. Phil through the Arctic, sources reported Tuesday. Sailors aboard the vessel confirmed that while Winfrey appeared ill and exhausted from continuous exposure […]The post Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil O…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/oprah-pursues-dr-phil-on-ship-through-arctic/

JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service EntranceWASHINGTON—During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again reminded by White House security to use the service door, sources confirmed Tuesday.  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there. You know the rule. You’ll need to use the service entrance […]The post…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/jd-vance-reminded-to-use-white-house-service-entrance/

Great Home For Hand SoapThis 3-by-4-inch plastic dish is a perfect place for you to sleep and live if you are a block of hand soap. If you are not a block of hand soap, this would likely not be a good place for you, unfortunately. Contact now! Reference #57675The post Great Home For Hand Soap appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/great-home-for-hand-soap/

Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On WikifeetLOS ANGELES—In a shockingly personal attack on the actor’s arches, filmmaker Quentin Tarantino made comments Friday slamming Paul Dano as the worst actor on Wikifeet. “Paul Dano’s got the weakest soles on Wikifeet,” Tarantino said during a podcast appearance, calling Dano’s feet “nasty, gnarled stompers” compared to a peer like Austin Butler’…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/quentin-tarantino-slams-paul-dano-as-worst-actor-on-wikifeet/

Malaysia Bans Social Media For Children Under 16Starting in 2026, Malaysia will ban social media accounts for anyone under 16, joining other countries such as Australia in imposing digital age limits. What do you think?The post Malaysia Bans Social Media For Children Under 16 appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/malaysia-bans-social-media-for-children-under-16/

Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing MachineA Japanese tech firm has developed a capsule-style human washing machine, which is able to automatically wash and dry a person. What do you think?The post Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing Machine appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/japanese-company-unveils-human-washing-machine/

Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room RefrigeratorARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. “In the heat of the moment, you’ve got to make a decision, and som…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-invokes-fog-of-war-after-pissing-in-break-room-refrigerator/

‘Marty Supreme’ Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron JamesNEW YORK—Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that Marty Supreme was a slight dramatization of LeBron James’ life. “I wouldn’t call it a biopic, exactly, but yes, Marty Supreme is about King James,” said the filmmaker…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/marty-supreme-director-explains-film-slight-dramatization-of-real-life-lebron-james/

I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing  Experience On My ResumeIn the world of business, integrity is everything. There has to be a baseline level of trust, or the entire system collapses. That’s why I make honesty a top priority in my professional life, even in situations where bending the truth a little would be to my personal benefit. For example, I woul…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/id-sooner-let-my-family-starve-than-exaggerate-my-marketing-experience-on-my-resume/

Pros And Cons Of War With VenezuelaTensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come “very soon.” The Onion examines the pros and cons of entering a war against Venezuela. PRO “Caracas” fun to say Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine Would be nice […]The post Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela appe…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-war-with-venezuela/

Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z DemonVATICAN CITY—In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation Z’s first demon. “For his innovative use of digital communications to torment and possess the Christian faithful, Melapheus, better known by his online handle DiabolusMel, is hereby accorded full de…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/vatican-formally-recognizes-first-gen-z-demon/