Wandering Adventure Party

Biggest Revelations From The Epstein FilesIn compliance with the Epstein Files Transparency Act, the Justice Department has released more than 3 million documents related to the late child sex offender’s prosecution. The Onion shares the biggest revelations.  Jeffrey Epstein signed all his emails “The Infamous Pedophile Jeff” Digital cameras always have that nostalgic feel Little Saint James gets kind of […]The post B…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/biggest-revelations-from-the-epstein-files/

A Roof With All The PointsThis three-bedroom home on a tree-lined street has a roof with all the pointy parts you’d hope to have in a roof. No level surface up here! It’s all slopes and slants that lead to various points. Reference #64300The post A Roof With All The Points appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/a-roof-with-all-the-points/

China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai LamaThe Chinese government blasted the Recording Academy’s decision to award the Dalai Lama his first Grammy, claiming the music industry award for an audiobook was used as “a tool for anti-China political manipulation.” What do you think?The post China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai Lama appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/china-criticizes-decision-to-award-grammy-to-dalai-lama/

Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being AdultThe post Trump Scolds Female Reporter For Being Adult appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-scolds-female-reporter-for-being-adult/

‘Lord Of The Rings’ Reader Can’t Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To FuckJACKSONVILLE, FL—Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content, Lord Of The Rings reader Adrienne Heeren told reporters Wednesday that she couldn’t believe how long it was taking for Sam and Frodo to fuck. “Don’t get me wrong—I love a slow-burn, friends-to-lovers kind of thin…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/lord-of-the-rings-reader-cant-believe-how-long-it-taking-sam-and-frodo-to-fuck/

Inhuman ResourcesThe post Inhuman Resources appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/inhuman-resources/

U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit OutPHOENIX—In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination totally locked in just yet, U-Haul officials unveiled a fleet of live-in trucks Wednesday for customers to sleep in as they sort some shit out. “We’re excited to finally be able to offer our customers…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/u-haul-unveils-live-in-trucks-to-sleep-in-while-you-sort-some-shit-out/

Pet Iguana Assumed He’d Move Out Of Starter Tank By NowRUTHERFORD, NJ—Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. “I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger enclosure at this age,” said the 8-year-old green iguana, adding that when […]The post Pet Iguana Assume…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pet-iguana-assumed-hed-move-out-of-starter-tank-by-now/

What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic HairLook, I get it. I’m a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I’m the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I’m definitely no one’s idea of Hercules, it’d be a grave mistake to underestimate me. That’s because what I lack in […]The post What I Lack In Physical Strength,…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/what-i-lack-in-physical-strength-i-make-up-for-in-pubic-hair/

RFK Jr. Questions Efficacy Of SkinWASHINGTON—In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ’s benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before Congress. “Everything we know about skin has been learned from so-called scientific studies funded by large corporations who […]The post RFK J…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rfk-jr-questions-efficacy-of-skin/

Fantasy About Impressing Coworkers Unimaginably PatheticCHARLOTTE, NC—Describing the woman’s imagined scenario of workplace valor as both “cringeworthy” and “profoundly sad,” office sources confirmed Tuesday that employee Sarah Cobb’s fantasy about impressing her coworkers at Davidson Analytics was unimaginably pathetic. According to reports, Cobb—who in reality has failed to distinguish herself either so…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fantasy-about-impressing-coworkers-unimaginably-pathetic/

Fat Dad Sits On TV Remote Like Mother Hen Warming YoungThe post Fat Dad Sits On TV Remote Like Mother Hen Warming Young appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fat-dad-sits-on-tv-remote-like-mother-hen-warming-young/

Conservatives Boycott All Forms Of EntertainmentWASHINGTON—Decrying the un-American nature of any activity intended to provide amusement or the slightest bit of diversion, conservatives across the country announced an immediate boycott Tuesday of all forms of entertainment. “The insidious liberal bias in music, movies, literature, and television is just the tip of the iceberg,” said Nashville, TN, resident Drew C…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/conservatives-boycott-all-forms-of-entertainment/

Rest Of Lakers Trying To Act Casual While LeBron James Spanks BronnyLOS ANGELES—As they stared intently at their phones and pretended not to notice the steady rhythm of smacks echoing through the locker room, the Los Angeles Lakers were reportedly trying their best to act casual Tuesday while LeBron James spanked his son Bronny in full view of the team. “Wow, yikes, he’s really laying into […]…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rest-of-lakers-trying-to-act-casual-while-lebron-james-spanks-bronny/

ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own FamilyCHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The 45-year-old ICE official told reporters he had “hit the jackpot” when he realized that because his wife […]The post…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ice-agent-scores-easy-win-by-deporting-own-family/

Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway CorpseThe post Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway Corpse appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/funeral-canceled-due-to-runaway-corpse/

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pete HegsethDefense Secretary Pete Hegeth’s time overseeing the nation’s largest governmental agency has proven contentious owing to frequent security leaks, norm violations, and attacks on journalists. The Onion sat down with the military veteran and former Fox News host to discuss his tenure so far. The Onion : Mr. Secretary, thank you for joining us. If you […]The post The…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-pete-hegseth/

New Manning Begins Budding From Archie’s BackThe post New Manning Begins Budding From Archie’s Back appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/new-manning-begins-budding-from-archies-back/

The Beginning Of The EndPriced at $1.5 million, this two-bedroom bungalow will send a clear message to every working-class family still in the neighborhood that their days are truly numbered. Reference #7086The post The Beginning Of The End appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/the-beginning-of-the-end/

Mia Cutler and Xavier CarrascoThe happy couple wed Saturday in the presence of four loving guests and 176 indifferent ones.The post Mia Cutler and Xavier Carrasco appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mia-cutler-and-xavier-carrasco/