Wandering Adventure Party

Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty ProgramStarbucks is reintroducing tiers to its loyalty program as part of a bid to entice consumers to visit more often, with the company claiming the current system doesn’t properly reward its most loyal customers. What do you think?The post Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty Program appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/starbucks-reintroduces-tiers-to-loyalty-program/

Pacers PA Announcer Just Muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ Over And OverThe post Pacers PA Announcer Just Muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ Over And Over appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pacers-pa-announcer-just-muttering-jesus-christ-over-and-over/

Tall Man, Bald Child Duos Applaud Representation In New ‘Game Of Thrones’ ShowLOS ANGELES—Emphasizing the power of finally seeing themselves represented on screen, duos consisting of one tall man and one bald child publicly applauded the HBO series A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Monday. “As a man of above-average stature whose best friend happens to be a hairless child, it’s so meaningf…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tall-man-bald-child-duos-applaud-representation-in-new-game-of-thrones-show/

White House Aide Fired After Telling JD Vance About Super Bowl PartyWASHINGTON—Insisting the terminated worker had violated the terms of her employment by leaking highly sensitive information, the White House announced Monday that longtime aide Sandra Wilton had been fired for telling Vice President JD Vance about an upcoming Super Bowl party. “It’s difficult to imagine how this employee belie…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/white-house-aide-fired-after-telling-jd-vance-about-super-bowl-party/

Conservative Defends Child Molesters In Case He Becomes Child Molester SomedayHOUSTON—Insisting he still believed in the dream that Americans from all circumstances could eventually become sexual deviants, conservative man Samuel Welker reportedly defended child molesters implicated in the Epstein files Monday in case he himself some day became a child molester. “Sure, I don’t have a…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/conservative-defends-child-molesters-in-case-he-becomes-child-molester-someday/

Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid HatsThe post Groundhog Harassed By Dipshits In Stupid Hats appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/groundhog-harassed-by-dipshits-in-stupid-hats/

Fans Explain Why They Love K-PopThe Onion asked K-pop’s biggest fans to explain their devotion, in their own words.The post Fans Explain Why They Love K-Pop appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fans-explain-why-they-love-k-pop/

White House Denies Flickering, Green Trump A HologramWASHINGTON—As concerns continue to mount regarding a potential decline in the president’s physical and mental health, the White House issued a statement Friday denying that a flickering, green Donald Trump was a hologram. Administration officials dismissed claims that the president had been wavering in and out of focus during recent public appearances and a…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/white-house-denies-flickering-green-trump-a-hologram/

DOJ Releases Jeffrey Epstein FragranceWASHINGTON—In the latest government disclosure about the late financier and convicted pedophile, officials from the Department of Justice announced Tuesday that they were releasing a Jeffrey Epstein fragrance. “The aroma of infatuation, the perfume of the forbidden…DOJ is proud to unveil its new signature Jeffrey Epstein fragrance, Crave by Jeff,” Attorney General Pam Bondi said at […]…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/doj-releases-jeffrey-epstein-fragrance/

Mark PlatzMark Platz, 51, passed unexpectedly Sunday. He is survived by his wife, his three children, and a massive secret collection of troubling pornography.The post Mark Platz appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mark-platz/

Pros And Cons Of Social Media Bans For TeensAustralia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens. PRO Easier to talk shit about them behind their back Prevents access to harmful material for the 10 minutes it takes to bypass safeguards More […]The post Pros And Cons…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-social-media-bans-for-teens/

Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell TicketsPoor ticket sales for Melania Trump’s documentary Melania have led to rescue efforts by the GOP that include buying out theater seats to mask the film’s box office struggles, though many are reportedly still uninterested in attending screenings even when tickets are offered for free. What do you think?The post Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell Tickets appeared …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/melania-trump-documentary-fails-to-sell-tickets/

Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying ForThe post Rifle-Wielding Chair Umpire Asks Crowd If Making Noise During Australian Open Truly Worth Dying For appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rifle-wielding-chair-umpire-asks-crowd-if-making-noise-during-australian-open-truly-worth-dying-for/

LeBron James Clearly Using Golf Simulator On BenchThe post LeBron James Clearly Using Golf Simulator On Bench appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/lebron-james-clearly-using-golf-simulator-on-bench/

TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey EpsteinTikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word “Epstein” in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think?The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tiktok-blocks-mentions-of-jeffrey-epstein/

New Sydney Sweeney Lingerie Line Will Accommodate Sizes Humungo Through AwoogaThe post New Sydney Sweeney Lingerie Line Will Accommodate Sizes Humungo Through Awooga appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/new-sydney-sweeney-lingerie-line-will-accommodate-sizes-humungo-through-awooga/

RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across CarpetWASHINGTON—In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one’s ass across carpet. “Doctors won’t tell you this, but you don’t need medication f…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rfk-jr-demonstrates-how-to-remove-tapeworm-by-scooting-ass-across-carpet/

Trump On Prosecution Of Journalists: ‘Bring Me The Tapper’The post Trump On Prosecution Of Journalists: ‘Bring Me The Tapper’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-on-prosecution-of-journalists-bring-me-the-tapper/

AMC Unveils ‘The Moment’ Commemorative Poppers BucketThe post AMC Unveils ‘The Moment’ Commemorative Poppers Bucket appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/amc-unveils-the-moment-commemorative-poppers-bucket/

Ted Nugent Releases Protest Song ‘Skanks Of Minneapolis’The post Ted Nugent Releases Protest Song ‘Skanks Of Minneapolis’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ted-nugent-releases-protest-song-skanks-of-minneapolis/