Wandering Adventure Party

‘Dad’s Under A Lot Of Pressure At Work,’ Says Woman Of Husband Who Spends Half Day Playing ‘Clash Of Clans’TACOMA, WA—Urging her kids to cut their dad some slack amid the added stressors of his work life, area woman Ashlyn Bergman reportedly informed her children Tuesday that their father, who typically spends half his workday playing Clash Of Clans on his phon…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dads-under-a-lot-of-pressure-at-work-says-woman-of-husband-who-spends-half-day-playing-clash-of-clans/

Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying ReportThe post Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/police-ask-for-publics-help-in-falsifying-report/

Dove Finally Admits Some People UglyHOBOKEN, NJ—In a major shift from the company’s decades-long focus on inner beauty, personal care product brand Dove finally admitted Tuesday that some people are ugly. “Despite years of claims that people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, we are now prepared to agree that there are some butterfaced uggos out there whose looks […]The post Dove Finally Admits Some People Ugly appeared…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dove-finally-admits-some-people-ugly/

Peter BarnellServices for Peter Barnell, 72, will be held Friday. The family asks that each attendee take home a portion of the remains because they don’t want any leftovers.The post Peter Barnell appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/peter-barnell/

ICE Issues Ransom Note Demanding $65 Billion If U.S. Wants To See Minnesota AgainWASHINGTON—Claiming the nation’s beloved North Star State was in peril, Immigration and Customs Enforcement issued a ransom note Tuesday that told the United States to pay $65 billion if it ever wanted to see Minnesota again. “The $65 billion should be placed in an unmarked federal appropriations bill—i…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ice-issues-ransom-note-demanding-65-billion-if-u-s-wants-to-see-minnesota-again/

JD Vance Places Candle Outside Hooters Where ICE Agents Were HeckledThe post JD Vance Places Candle Outside Hooters Where ICE Agents Were Heckled appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/jd-vance-places-candle-outside-hooters-where-ice-agents-were-heckled/

Canned Tuna Recalled For Potentially Fatal Botulism Mistakenly ReshippedPreviously quarantined cans of yellowfin tuna that were recalled due to a defective pull tab which could introduce botulism, a potentially fatal form of food poisoning, were mistakenly reshipped to stores in at least nine states. What do you think?The post Canned Tuna Recalled For Potentially Fatal Botulism Mistakenly…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/canned-tuna-recalled-for-potentially-fatal-botulism-mistakenly-reshipped/

Trump Alleges That Democrats Secretly Paid Alex Pretti To Be Model CitizenWASHINGTON—Claiming that no one would realistically devote their life to serving others without being funded by nefarious actors, President Donald Trump alleged Monday that Democrats had secretly paid Alex Pretti, the 37-year-old Veterans Affairs nurse killed by U.S. Border Patrol agents in Minneapolis, to be a mod…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-alleges-that-democrats-secretly-paid-alex-pretti-to-be-model-citizen/

Kristi Noem Calls On Minneapolis Residents To Stop Obstructing MurdersWASHINGTON—Urging locals to “fully cooperate” with federal agents, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem called on Minneapolis residents Monday to stop obstructing murders. “The brave men and women of ICE and the U.S. Border Patrol are doing their best to carry out these executions in a safe and professiona…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/kristi-noem-calls-on-minneapolis-residents-to-stop-obstructing-murders/

That’s Norway to Treat a LadyThe post That’s Norway to Treat a Lady appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/thats-norway-to-treat-a-lady/

God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To DieTHE HEAVENS—Warning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. “I created all things—do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine […]The post God Informs Humanity Chok…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/god-informs-humanity-choking-people-meant-to-die/

Sean McDermott Expresses Gratitude To The People, If You Want To Call Them That, Of BuffaloBUFFALO, NY—Giving thanks for the hospitality shown to him and his family throughout his tenure with the team, recently terminated Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott reportedly expressed his gratitude Monday to the people, if you want to use that term, of Buffalo. “For the past …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/sean-mcdermott-expresses-gratitude-to-the-people-if-you-want-to-call-them-that-of-buffalo/

What To Know About Trump’s Board Of PeacePresident Donald Trump signed the charter for his “Board of Peace” Thursday, establishing himself as presiding chairman of a new international body aimed at resolving global conflicts. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the organization. Q: What is the board’s stated aim? A: To finally end the impending threat of global cooperation. […]The post What To Know About …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-trumps-board-of-peace/

‘Sinners’ Sets Oscar Record With 16 NominationsRyan Coogler’s Southern Gothic vampire period piece Sinners received 16 Academy Award nominations, surpassing the previous record of 14 nominations held by All About Eve, Titanic, and La La Land. What do you think?The post ‘Sinners’ Sets Oscar Record With 16 Nominations appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/sinners-sets-oscar-record-with-16-nominations/

Disney Exec Reminds Toddler Only IP Goes On FridgeBURBANK, CA—Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate’s vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company’s intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. “That’s very creative, Edie, but unfortunately it has no existing fan base,” said the 49-year…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/disney-exec-reminds-toddler-only-ip-goes-on-fridge/

Nothing Ever Good Enough For CaptiveOVERLAND PARK, KS—Expressing frustration that his efforts to be accommodating continue to go unappreciated, area man Thomas Kemps confirmed Monday that nothing is ever good enough for the woman he has been holding captive in his basement for the past 39 days. “I give and I give, and what do I get in return? Not a single genuine thank-you,” […]The post Nothing Ever Good Enough For Captive …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/nothing-ever-good-enough-for-captive/

Squirrel Plays Off Falling Out Of Tree Like He Totally Meant ToThe post Squirrel Plays Off Falling Out Of Tree Like He Totally Meant To appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/squirrel-plays-off-falling-out-of-tree-like-he-totally-meant-to/

Rams-Seahawks Game Preempted By ‘Everybody Hates Chris’ RerunThe post Rams-Seahawks Game Preempted By ‘Everybody Hates Chris’ Rerun appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rams-seahawks-game-preempted-by-everybody-hates-chris-rerun/

https://theonion.com/katy-perrys-friends-skeptical-of-alleged-powerful-boyfriend-who-lives-in-canada/ #Humor #Satire #Music #Canada #TheOnion

Entire French Populace Moved To Tears By Cartoon Of Robot Holding FlowerPARIS—Clutching their chests in wonder at the newly unveiled work by an anonymous street artist, all 68 million members of the French populace were reportedly brought to tears Friday by a cartoon of a robot holding a flower. “Technology has made us into zombies, and yet here is a robot showing us the truth,” said […]T…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/entire-french-populace-moved-to-tears-by-cartoon-of-robot-holding-flower/