Wandering Adventure Party

All I Ever Wanted Is To Be A Musician And For Music To Be EasyAt my age, most people have given up on their dreams. They go to college, settle down, get steady careers. Pretty soon, they’ve spent so much time on the corporate money-go-round they can’t even remember what got their engines going in the first place. But I could never see myself holding down a nine-to-five like […]The post All I Ever W…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/all-i-ever-wanted-is-to-be-a-musician-and-for-music-to-be-easy/

Kimberly CunninghamIt turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/kimberly-cunningham/

White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage DisposalWASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Com…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/white-house-plumber-reminds-staff-that-only-donald-j-trump-commemorative-food-waste-may-be-placed-down-donald-j-trump-commemorative-garbage-disposal/

Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses PersonhoodTALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood. “Whether we’re talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections,” Gov. Ron DeSantis said after […]…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/florida-passes-law-granting-viruses-personhood/

Man Donates  Body To   Culinary    ScienceHYDE PARK, NY—Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science. “Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so […]The post Man Donates  Body To   Culinary    Science appeared fi…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/man-donates-body-to-culinary-science/

Can Any House Truly Be Owned?Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands […]The post Can Any House Truly Be Owned? appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/can-any-house-truly-be-owned/

Tips For Using AIA Pew Research Center survey found that 62% of American adults say they interact with artificial intelligence several times a week or more. Here are some tips for using AI. Fact-check any information provided by asking the follow-up question “Are you sure?” Offset your water footprint by not bathing for 72 hours after each use. […]The post Tips For Using AI appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tips-for-using-ai/

Drunk Bears Fan Grating RamThe post Drunk Bears Fan Grating Ram appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/drunk-bears-fan-grating-ram/

Groundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical TentThe post Groundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical Tent appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/groundskeeper-unsure-what-to-do-with-unconscious-player-left-in-medical-tent/

26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing SchemeFederal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges that include bribery in sports, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, wire fraud, and aiding and abetting. What do you think?The post 26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme appeared first on The O…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/26-charged-in-alleged-college-basketball-fixing-scheme/

Giddy Trump Struts All Around White House With Nobel Peace Prize In MouthWASHINGTON—Panting excitedly as he trotted from room to room displaying his prized possession, a giddy President Donald Trump was reportedly seen Friday strutting all around the White House with a Nobel Peace Prize in his mouth. “Aw, you can tell the president really loves that thing—he even hides it under his bed at…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/giddy-trump-struts-all-around-white-house-with-nobel-peace-prize-in-mouth/

Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S.So-called “pink cocaine,” a hazardous polydrug that can contain ketamine, ecstasy, meth, and sometimes fentanyl, is increasingly being found in U.S. nightclubs among users unaware of its dangerous contents. What do you think?The post Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S. appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pink-cocaine-spreading-in-u-s/

Eerily Calm Draymond Green Returns From Halftime With Large Scar On ForeheadSAN FRANCISCO—In a jarring departure from his usual brash, confrontational on-court behavior, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green reportedly returned from halftime of Thursday night’s game against the Knicks eerily calm, sporting a large scar on his forehead. “Angry noise gone from Draymond head…Draymo…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/eerily-calm-draymond-green-returns-from-halftime-with-large-scar-on-forehead/

What To Know About Season 2 Of ‘The Pitt’Medical drama The Pitt, which won five Emmys and two Golden Globes in its first season, is back for season two. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Do I need to watch season one first? A: No, you can get the gist of it by shooting yourself in the […]The post What To Know About Season 2 Of ‘The Pitt’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-season-2-of-the-pitt/

Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His ChestDear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest, I’m a single mom with a 2-year-old son, and the people in the apartment above us play loud music that wakes him from his naps. They turn it down when I ask, but the volume always goes back up a few minutes later. The […]The post Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest appeared…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ask-a-drunk-guy-who-needs-to-get-something-off-his-chest/

Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As ‘The Jennifer Hudson Show’ Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max VelocityThe post Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As ‘The Jennifer Hudson Show’ Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max Velocity appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/howie-mandel-ricocheted-down-hall-as-the-jennifer-hudson-show-spirit-tunnel-reaches-max-velocity/

La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine DripMONROE, MI—Citing its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips. “There’s no better way to relax than with our luxurious recliners and a steady stream of opioids flowing right into you…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/la-z-boy-introduces-adjustable-morphine-drip/

Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin LangThe bride and groom tied the knot this year, 2025, but you wouldn’t know it considering she walked down the aisle to a fucking Lumineers song.The post Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rosemarie-sheppard-and-martin-lang/

Dilbert Creator DiesScott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert has died at 68, having drawn criticism after veering into far right politics. What do you think?The post Dilbert Creator Dies appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dilbert-creator-dies/

Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle FingerNEW YORK—Lauding the commander-in-chief’s response to being heckled at a Ford plant as a stunning physical feat, pundits from multiple media outlets praised President Donald Trump on Thursday for summoning the strength and dexterity necessary to successfully lift his middle finger. “The o…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pundits-praise-strength-dexterity-required-for-trump-to-successfully-lift-middle-finger/