Wandering Adventure Party

CDC Scales Back Child Vaccine ScheduleThe Trump administration sharply cut the U.S. childhood vaccine schedule from 17 to 11 recommended shots, with health experts warning that changes were made without an adequate review and will only confuse parents and clinicians. What do you think?The post CDC Scales Back Child Vaccine Schedule appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/cdc-scales-back-child-vaccine-schedule/

Bananas SplitThe post Bananas Split appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/bananas-split/

Area Man Knows When He Not Welcome In Children’s MuseumINDIANAPOLIS—Dusting off the kinetic sand from his hands as he walked with his head held high toward the exit, 34-year-old area man Benjamin Schrock reportedly told visitors and staff of Discovery Zone Children’s Museum on Tuesday that he knows when he’s not welcome. “I’ve been around the block, but never in my adult life have […]The post Area Man Know…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/area-man-knows-when-he-not-welcome-in-childrens-museum/

Trump Asks National Intelligence Point-Blank If God RealWASHINGTON—Cutting off a top security advisor mid-speech as he eagerly posed his question, President Donald Trump reportedly interrupted a briefing Tuesday to ask officials from the National Intelligence Council whether God was real. “So what do we know about Him? Are there any photos?” said a quizzical Trump, adding that he brought the matter up […]…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-asks-national-intelligence-point-blank-if-god-real/

RFK Jr. Scales Back Childhood Mortality ScheduleWASHINGTON—Saying the changes would empower Americans to make more informed decisions about their family’s health, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that he had scaled back the department’s childhood mortality schedule. “For too long, the U.S. government has imposed strict and unnecessary guidelines about whether or not our…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rfk-jr-scales-back-childhood-mortality-schedule/

Study Finds Increased Demand Among Gen Z For Non-Alcoholic FathersThe post Study Finds Increased Demand Among Gen Z For Non-Alcoholic Fathers appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/study-finds-increased-demand-among-gen-z-for-non-alcoholic-fathers/

Oil Stocks Rise After U.S. Capture Of MaduroEnergy company stocks and the price of crude oil surged after the United States captured Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, with Trump claiming U.S. oil companies would participate in rebuilding the South American country’s energy infrastructure. What do you think?The post Oil Stocks Rise After U.S. Capture Of Maduro appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/oil-stocks-rise-after-u-s-capture-of-maduro/

Trump Spotted Wearing Paper Sign Reading ‘The President’The post Trump Spotted Wearing Paper Sign Reading ‘The President’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-spotted-wearing-paper-sign-reading-the-president/

Chevron CEO Sure In Good Mood This WeekHOUSTON—Calling the executive’s demeanor “unnervingly jovial,” company sources confirmed Tuesday that Chevron CEO Mike Wirth sure was in a good mood this week. “Man, normally that guy is a first-rate asshole, so something must be up,” said an anonymous employee, who noted that the typically stone-faced executive had pulled into his reserved parking spot that […]The post Chevron CEO …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/chevron-ceo-sure-in-good-mood-this-week/

Apple Photos Reminds Man He Was Nude In Capitol Building 5 Years AgoThe post Apple Photos Reminds Man He Was Nude In Capitol Building 5 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/apple-photos-reminds-man-he-was-nude-in-capitol-building-5-years-ago/

Lost Jan. 6 Rioter Still Searching Capitol Building For Mike PenceWASHINGTON—As he wandered aimlessly through the halls of the U.S. Capitol building, lost Jan. 6 rioter Alex Morris told reporters Tuesday that he was still searching for former Vice President Mike Pence. “Oh my God, how am I back in Statuary Hall again? Where the hell is Pence?” said Morris, tucking a noose under his […]The post L…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/lost-jan-6-rioter-still-searching-capitol-building-for-mike-pence/

Steph Curry Finally Finishes Eating MouthguardThe post Steph Curry Finally Finishes Eating Mouthguard appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/steph-curry-finally-finishes-eating-mouthguard/

Mark Kelly Punished With Expulsion To Outer SpaceThe post Mark Kelly Punished With Expulsion To Outer Space appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mark-kelly-punished-with-expulsion-to-outer-space/

NASA Discovers Distant Planet With Conditions That Could Sustain RocksWASHINGTON—Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. “After analysis of HD 101581 b’s atmosphere and surface conditions, we are confident this astronomic…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/nasa-discovers-distant-planet-with-conditions-that-could-sustain-rocks/

British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes GoodLONDON—Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. “In America they use salt, and they have sauces …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/british-teen-returning-from-semester-in-u-s-regales-friends-with-tale-of-food-that-tastes-good/

Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement FoundWASHINGTON—Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. “Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I’ll be married to Mrs. Maduro,” Trump said in a news conference i…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-will-marry-maduros-wife-until-suitable-replacement-found/

Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of JudgmentDANBURY, CT—Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. “Times are tough right now, but we want divorcées and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast […#theonionhttps://theonion.com/local-church-opens-doors-to-any-single-mothers-in-need-of-judgment/

Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’The post Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/congress-if-you-wanted-an-expensive-foreign-war-all-you-had-to-do-was-ask/

Publishers Break Down Door As George R.R. Martin Escapes Through Bathroom WindowSANTA FE, NM—A set of billowing curtains signaling that they had arrived moments too late, staff from Penguin Random House reportedly broke down George R.R. Martin’s door Monday as the writer escaped through a bathroom window. “George, George, come back—we don’t want to hurt you! We just want to talk!” s…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/publishers-break-down-door-as-george-r-r-martin-escapes-through-bathroom-window/

Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil PossessionThe post Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil Possession appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/nicolas-maduro-charged-with-felony-oil-possession/