Wandering Adventure Party

Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of MoneyThe post Trump Assures Struggling Nation He Has Plenty Of Money appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-assures-struggling-nation-he-has-plenty-of-money/

Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods DumpstersNAPERVILLE, IL—Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. “We keep finding her rooting around our bins looking for food items she can stock her shelves with,” said […]The post Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Fo…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/aldi-ceo-chased-off-from-whole-foods-dumpsters/

New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building PyramidsUNIVERSITY PARK, PA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received significant…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/new-research-reveals-ancient-egyptians-received-significant-help-from-parents-while-building-pyramids/

Political Profile: Jack SchlossbergJack Schlossberg, who is best known for his provocative social media presence and for being the grandson of John F. Kennedy, announced a run for U.S. Congress. Here’s everything you need to know about the Democrat. Core Belief: Americans are sicker of gerontocracy than nepotism Reason For Running: Bored Dream Job: MrBeast Role In Fraternity: […]The post Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg ap…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/political-profile-jack-schlossberg/

Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic NecessitiesFundraising website GoFundMe reported a sharp uptick in the number of people using the platform to help cover the cost of basic necessities, including housing, food, and other day-to-day expenses. What do you think?The post Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/

Joe Flacco’s Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In BedroomCINCINNATI—Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. “I need a big, strong quarterback to come score a touchdown,” Grady …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/joe-flaccos-wife-dresses-as-giant-football-to-spice-things-up-in-bedroom/

Coworker Returning From European Vacation Brings Back Latvian Man For Everyone To ShareMINNEAPOLIS—Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. “I couldn’t get enough of him when I was abroad,” said He…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/coworker-returning-from-european-vacation-brings-back-latvian-man-for-everyone-to-share/

Campbell’s Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense SoupsCAMDEN, NJ—Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell’s announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. “Whether you attach the can to a strap and use it as a flail or heat up the soup to create a thermal weapon, […]The post Campbell’s Unveils New Li…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/campbells-unveils-new-line-of-self-defense-soups/

MS NOW Lures New Viewers With Rotating Gyro Spit In Corner Of ScreenNEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and audiences increasingly turning to social media for their news, we knew that …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ms-now-lures-new-viewers-with-rotating-gyro-spit-in-corner-of-screen/

Travis Kelce Worried Patrick Mahomes’s ACL Tear Will Derail ‘Harlem Shake’ Groomsmen EntranceThe post Travis Kelce Worried Patrick Mahomes’s ACL Tear Will Derail ‘Harlem Shake’ Groomsmen Entrance appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/travis-kelce-worried-patrick-mahomess-acl-tear-will-derail-harlem-shake-groomsmen-entrance/

Downer and Blitzin’The post Downer and Blitzin’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/downer-and-blitzin/

Ragú Unveils Sensory Deprivation Marinara TankSCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, Ragú officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with our signature vine-ripened, zesty tomato sauce marks the beginning of an exciting new era in tomato-based relaxation,…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/ragu-unveils-sensory-deprivation-marinara-tank/

Congress Allocates $45 Million To Hang Fairy Lights Along U.S. BorderWASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country’s drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. “This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier,” said Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO), who co-sponsored the bipartisan bill aimed at improving the na…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/congress-allocates-45-million-to-hang-fairy-lights-along-u-s-border/

Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you’re listening to is not your mother’s “Jingle Bells.” “Whether you’re out Christmas shopping at O…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/

Cackling Referee Declares Penalty For Pass Interference Shall Be 10,000 Years Of WinterPITTSBURGH—Raising his hands before him as his eyes turned ominously white, the referee of the Steelers–Dolphins game was heard to let out a blood-curdling cackle Monday before declaring the penalty for defensive pass interference would be “no fewer than 10,000 years of winter.” “Hear me, m…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/cackling-referee-declares-penalty-for-pass-interference-shall-be-10000-years-of-winter/

FBI Designates Brown University Shooting A Cold CaseThe post FBI Designates Brown University Shooting A Cold Case appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/fbi-designates-brown-university-shooting-a-cold-case/

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly HappensPROVIDENCE, RI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Rhode Island in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from ta…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-regularly-happens-3/

In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering SystemIn-N-Out Burger quietly removed “67” from its order call-out system nationwide, apparently to deter youths from erupting into cheers when the number was announced. What do you think?The post In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering System appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/in-n-out-removes-67-from-ordering-system/

Merriam-Webster Accused Of Bias After ‘Dictionary’ Named Word Of The YearSPRINGFIELD, MA—Facing intense backlash and scrutiny from critics who say the reference book publisher had failed to take all words into consideration, Merriam-Webster was accused of bias Monday after officially selecting ‘dictionary’ as its 2025 word of the year. “Merriam-Webster clearly has a pro-dictionary bias that…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/merriam-webster-accused-of-bias-after-dictionary-named-word-of-the-year/

Gal Gadot Assures Casting Agent She Can Play AI RolesLOS ANGELES—Emphasizing her ability to meet the film industry’s evolving needs, actress Gal Gadot reportedly assured a casting agent Monday that she was more than capable of playing AI roles. “I’ve been told for years I bring a certain lifelessness to my characters,” said Gadot, who emphasized that she had been honing her ability to […]The post Gal Gadot …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/gal-gadot-assures-casting-agent-she-can-play-ai-roles/