Wandering Adventure Party

Man Annoyed He Has To Chew Current Food Before He Can Chew Next FoodHARTFORD CITY, IN—Growing increasingly frustrated by the time-consuming slog of ingestion, local man Andrew Neel reportedly expressed annoyance Thursday that he must chew the current food in his mouth before he could move on to chewing the next food. “Here I am wasting the whole goddamn day chewing this bite of hamburger when …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/man-annoyed-he-has-to-chew-current-food-before-he-can-chew-next-food/

Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter RoomMILAN—Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of the curling team entered the…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/athletes-in-raucous-olympic-village-fuckfest-fake-having-bible-study-as-curlers-enter-room/

Pepper-wrongiThe post Pepper-wrongi appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pepper-wrongi/

Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact“Looksmaxxing,” a new trend that can involve jaw exercises, steroid use, and extreme cosmetic procedures, has taken off among many boys and young men. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding looksmaxxing.  MYTH: Regularly exercising your jaw muscles can make them bigger. FACT: The most effective way to change your face shape is to contract mumps. […]The post Looksmaxxing: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on T…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/looksmaxxing-myth-vs-fact/

Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She GettingWILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I’m like, uh, I guess?” […]The p…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/horse-annoyed-at-all-the-year-of-the-horse-comments-she-getting/

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next LeaderSouth Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?The post Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/kim-jong-un-selects-teen-daughter-as-north-koreas-next-leader/

Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For EveryoneSIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. “Yup, the way things are going, not a s…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/coworker-laid-off-solely-for-performance-related-reasons-warns-ai-coming-for-everyone/

God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating ContinuallyTHE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attach…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/god-wondering-when-humans-will-realize-purpose-of-life-masturbating-continually/

Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To VisitorMEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangero…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dog-must-make-split-second-decision-whether-to-kill-or-show-tummy-to-visitor/

All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For ReshootsLOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. “They’ve called every m…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/all-upcoming-films-canceled-after-every-living-actor-called-to-avengers-doomsday-set-for-reshoots/

Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 YearsGallup will stop tracking presidential job approval ratings after 88 years, saying the decision reflects “an evolution in how Gallup focuses its public research and thought leadership.” What do you think?The post Gallup To End Presidential Approval Polling After Almost 90 Years appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/gallup-to-end-presidential-approval-polling-after-almost-90-years/

Mike Tirico Keeps Asking Olympians What Happens To Old Drug-Test UrineLIVIGNO, ITALY—In what has become the central focus of his primetime broadcasts night after night, NBC sportscaster Mike Tirico has devoted huge swaths of Winter Games coverage this week to demanding answers from Olympic athletes about what happens to their old drug-test urine. “Madison, Evan, everyone’s talking about the …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/mike-tirico-keeps-asking-olympians-what-happens-to-old-drug-test-urine/

Trump Asks When He Gets To Kill Olympians Who LostWASHINGTON—Declaring that athletes who had disgraced their country with a poor performance needed to be dealt with in the harshest manner possible, President Donald Trump asked advisors Tuesday when he would get to kill members of Team USA who lost at the Olympics. “If they’re not standing on that podium, they’re traitors who should be […]The post Trump Asks Wh…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-asks-when-he-gets-to-kill-olympians-who-lost/

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’WASHINGTON—In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could “help babies sweat out toxins.” “Roll up the windows, park in a sunny spot, and let the sun do its magic—in a couple hours, your […]The post RFK …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rfk-jr-time-in-hot-cars-helps-babies-to-sweat-out-toxins/

Grandpa Remembered For Messing Up Stuff Grandma Just CleanedROCK ISLAND, IL—Taking a moment to reflect on treasured memories of their recently deceased family patriarch, grandchildren of the late Ronald Gorden reminisced Tuesday about how their grandfather was always there to mess up stuff their grandma had just cleaned. “If there’s one thing you could say about Grandpa, it’s that he was continually t…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/grandpa-remembered-for-messing-up-stuff-grandma-just-cleaned/

Dad Pursuing Lottery Scratchers Full-Time NowThe post Dad Pursuing Lottery Scratchers Full-Time Now appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dad-pursuing-lottery-scratchers-full-time-now/

Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any WayVERNON HILLS, IL—Lacking the ability to transform her father’s personality to the same extent as his leather couch or riding lawn mower, newborn baby Amber Gilroy reportedly failed this week to change new parent Eric Gilroy in any conceivable way. “Eric was always nice but just kind of floating through life, and then as soon […]The post Baby Fails To Change New Father In Any W…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/baby-fails-to-change-new-father-in-any-way/

Bookseller Scrambles To Hide All The Classics After Seeing Emerald Fennell Approaching DoorLONDON—Calling for all hands on deck as he seized an armful of paperbacks, local bookshop owner Colin Mueller was reportedly scrambling to hide the classics Monday after he spotted filmmaker Emerald Fennell approaching the door. “For the love of God, please, someone grab the Jane A…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/bookseller-scrambles-to-hide-all-the-classics-after-seeing-emerald-fennell-approaching-door/

Tips For Observing LentCatholics around the world will soon enter the Lenten season, an annual 40-day period of sacrifice, prayer, and repentance that ends on Easter Sunday. The Onion shares tips for observing Lent. Try starting with something shorter like Yom Kippur and working your way up. Check Google Maps for the nearest wanderable desert. Remind your children […]The post Tips For Observing Lent appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/tips-for-observing-lent/

Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational FieldPREDAZZO, ITALY—Calling the incident a flagrant violation of both the rules of the event and the fundamental constants of the universe, International Olympic Committee officials confirmed Saturday that the Finnish ski jumping team had been caught tampering with Earth’s gravitational field in an attempt to gain a com…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/finnish-ski-jumping-team-caught-tampering-with-earths-gravitational-field/