Wandering Adventure Party

British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes GoodLONDON—Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. “In America they use salt, and they have sauces …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/british-teen-returning-from-semester-in-u-s-regales-friends-with-tale-of-food-that-tastes-good/

Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement FoundWASHINGTON—Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. “Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement, I’ll be married to Mrs. Maduro,” Trump said in a news conference i…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-will-marry-maduros-wife-until-suitable-replacement-found/

Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of JudgmentDANBURY, CT—Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. “Times are tough right now, but we want divorcées and unwed moms to know they can rely on the church to cast […#theonionhttps://theonion.com/local-church-opens-doors-to-any-single-mothers-in-need-of-judgment/

Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’The post Congress: ‘If You Wanted An Expensive Foreign War, All You Had To Do Was Ask’ appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/congress-if-you-wanted-an-expensive-foreign-war-all-you-had-to-do-was-ask/

Publishers Break Down Door As George R.R. Martin Escapes Through Bathroom WindowSANTA FE, NM—A set of billowing curtains signaling that they had arrived moments too late, staff from Penguin Random House reportedly broke down George R.R. Martin’s door Monday as the writer escaped through a bathroom window. “George, George, come back—we don’t want to hurt you! We just want to talk!” s…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/publishers-break-down-door-as-george-r-r-martin-escapes-through-bathroom-window/

Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil PossessionThe post Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil Possession appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/nicolas-maduro-charged-with-felony-oil-possession/

Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok’s PedophiliaPALO ALTO, CA—Shouting over the sound of the alarm as it blared through the headquarters of Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence startup, panicked xAI technicians were reportedly throwing levers Monday in a frantic effort to find the one controlling Grok’s pedophilia. “Come o…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/panicked-xai-technicians-frantically-throw-levers-to-find-the-one-controlling-groks-pedophilia/

Menopause: Myth Vs. FactMisinformation concerning menopause abounds. The Onion’s health experts examine the myths versus the facts.  MYTH: Hot flashes are the first sign of menopause. FACT: Sharing an AI image of a golden retriever with angel wings is the first sign of menopause.  MYTH: Going through menopause is a miserable experience. FACT: Many women actually enjoy the […]The post Menopause: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/menopause-myth-vs-fact/

Artist Profile: Cameron WinterCameron Winter, the Geese frontman who made his solo debut with the LP Heavy Metal, has been hailed by fans as a Gen Z Leonard Cohen. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Vocal Style: A lot Biggest Musical Influence: Spotify Smart Shuffle Childhood Nickname: Future Geese frontman Cameron Winter Source […]The post Artist Profile: Cameron Winter appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/artist-profile-cameron-winter/

Duffer Brothers Admit They Haven’t Watched ‘Stranger Things’ In YearsLOS ANGELES—Addressing the show’s hotly anticipated finale at a press event this week, Stranger Things co-creators Matt and Ross Duffer admitted to reporters that they haven’t watched the series in years. “We got through most of the first season, mostly because of all the buzz it was getting, but after that we really fell off,”…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/duffer-brothers-admit-they-havent-watched-stranger-things-in-years/

Study Finds 93% Of Murders Solved By Consulting Victim’s Pet ParrotWASHINGTON—According to a nationwide crime study by the FBI’s National Incident-Based Reporting System, just over 93% of all murder cases solved by local, state, and federal police in the past 10 years were resolved by consulting the victim’s beloved pet parrot. “In some cases, the break is simple and the bird will squawk the kill…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/study-finds-93-of-murders-solved-by-consulting-victims-pet-parrot/

Why Are We Doing Dry January?The post Why Are We Doing Dry January? appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/why-are-we-doing-dry-january/

How To Stick To Your New Year’s ResolutionsEach January, millions of Americans vow to improve something about themselves, but many struggle with the commitments they make. Here are tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions. Hire a hitman to shoot you in between the eyes if you even so much as look at a cigarette. Tell your coworkers about your plan […]The post How To Stick To Your New Year’s Resolutions appeare…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/how-to-stick-to-your-new-years-resolutions/

Trump Appoints Self To Divine MusesWASHINGTON—Claiming that his longstanding interest in the arts made him a perfect fit for the role, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he had appointed himself to the divine muses. “Many are saying these nine inspirational goddesses have become beholden to DEI and woke ideology, so I’m ascending Mount Helicon as a muse to make […]The post Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses appea…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trump-appoints-self-to-divine-muses/

George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French CitizenshipThe post George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French Citizenship appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/george-clooney-1000-paparazzi-granted-french-citizenship/

Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover RijstevlaaiWASHINGTON—Wondering aloud about whose idea it was to make so much gebakje in the first place, bloated Americans across the nation confirmed Tuesday that they were still struggling to work their way through all of the leftover rijstevlaai from the holidays. “Don’t get me wrong, I usually can’t get enough rijstevlaai in December, b…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/bloated-nation-struggling-to-work-way-through-leftover-rijstevlaai/

To Cirrhosis With LoveThe post To Cirrhosis With Love appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/to-cirrhosis-with-love/

https://theonion.com/report-average-americans-retirement-plan-involves-richard-gere-falling-for-them-after-paying-for-sex/ #Humor #Satire #TheOnion

Disney Licenses Characters For Use On OpenAI Video GeneratorDisney announced it will license over 200 Disney, Marvel, Pixar, and Star Wars characters for use on OpenAI’s Sora video-generating platform, with the deal also including a $1 billion investment in the AI company. What do you think?The post Disney Licenses Characters For Use On OpenAI Video Generator appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/disney-licenses-characters-for-use-on-openai-video-generator/

Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above HeadWASHINGTON—Amid ongoing concerns over the aging president’s medical status, health speculations reportedly swirled Monday after President Donald Trump was seen with damage numbers above his head. “Recent photos of Trump appear to show him sustaining a series of double- and triple-digit damage values during a press event, f…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-as-trump-seen-with-damage-numbers-above-head/