New Evidence Suggests Ancient Egyptians Only Ever Visited Pyramids When Friends Were In From Out Of Town

LONDON—In a discovery that sheds new light on the civilization’s cultural practices, researchers at University College London presented evidence Monday that suggests ancient Egyptians never went to see the pyramids unless they had guests in from out of town. “Recently unearthed papyrus rolls dating from 2400 B.C. confirm that most Egyptians of the time went to the pyramids of Giza once as a kid and thought they were pretty cool, but seldom returned to the majestic tombs unless they had a buddy visiting who had never been there before,” said archaeology professor Sidney Colliver, adding that the lack of other fun things to do in Giza and the nuisance of traversing the Sahara Desert meant that most people who lived in the area only made it out to the pyramids once every four or five years, tops. “It appears that while the ancient Egyptians agreed everyone ought to see the iconic structures once in their lives, they also believed that after you had been there, there was no special reason to go back. Scholars have long assumed residents of the pharaonic capital of Memphis felt lucky to live so close to the Great Pyramid, but in reality, they were pretty over it.” Researchers added that nearly all ancient Egyptians believed the Great Sphinx was really fucking overrated.