He also nearly named Celeborn Teleporno, which would have been awful amazing.

I am Beefcake McIronribs, son of Beefcake McSteelribs

You killed my father

It keeps blowing my mind when I learn that other languages haven’t obfuscated the meanings of names behind two thousand years of linguistic divergence.

Your name almost certainly means something basic too, you just don’t remember what it is.

Close.

It means elf with a stick.

His actual name would likely take a month or longer to say.

Family who are very proud of their feet: Proudfeet

Wand-elf?

That’s a possible translation but most people go with staff/stick for obvious reasons

Yep. Some common names:

Steve ← Steven ← Stephanus ← στέφανος = crown (or wealth)

Linda ← -linde = tender, soft

James ← Iacomus ← Iacobus ← Ἰάκωβος ← Ἰακώβ ← יַעֲקֹב = heel, footprint / follow, watch, observe

Karen ← Catherine ← Αἰκατερίνη ← Ἑκάτη = one who works from far away (referring to a goddess)

And “Tiffany” may sound like a very 20th-century American name, but it actually dates back to the early 13th century and is based on a Greek word that’s even older. The “Tiffany Problem” is a really interesting phenomenon in the anthropological/perceptual space based on that.

Tiffany ← Tifinie ← Θεοφάνεια = “God’s arrival/appearance”

It’s also more closely related to the name “Natalie” than you might think, at least etymologically.

Natalie ←Natalia ←natale domini = “birth of the Lord” (Latin)

Not “nearly.” That’s actually his name in the “pretranslated” language that the book was “originally” written in, within the fiction.

I knew about Tiffany because of that CGP Grey video, but Natalie is interesting too!

Really, your headcanon has some precedent in the books. If Wormtongue had written the history, he literally would’ve called Gandalf “bad news.” And in fact, Saruman’s actual name was Curumo. …uh, or Curunir. Or Sharkey, or Tarindor, or…

I mean, part of the problem is that every person (and place, and country, and river…) has like a half dozen names depending on who’s talking and what time or place they’re in. Gandalf himself is Greyhame, Gandalf, Stormcrow, and Lathspell in Rohan alone; and Mithrandir, Olorin, Incanus, and Tharkun to other people in Middle Earth.

Aragorn and Strider and Elessar and Estel and Wingfoot and Longshanks are the same person in different contexts. Galadriel is also Alatariel and Artanis and Nerwen. Legolas is Laicolasse and Greenleaf (all three of which, in fairness, mean the same thing in different languages).

And that’s before we even talk about what their names “really” were in the “original” Red Book of Westmarch, before Tolkien “translated” them to English. The “actual” sound that came out of Bilbo’s mouth when he introduced himself was Bilba Labingi, but Tolkien decided that the name Labingi “actually” would’ve sounded like the word for bag or sack to the “original hearers.” Likewise Frodo’s name is “translated” from Maura Labingi and Sam “actually” introduced himself as Banazir Galpsi.

Overt bad guy: Sauron

Secret bad guy: Saurumon

The um signifies the hesitation

I mean, there’s people called Hunter…

Sure… but Tolkien could tell you Treebeard’s name in hall a dozen languages he’d made up for his setting (or for fun, before the setting was a thing), including full etymologies.

While I made the same association when first reading the books, I’ll point out that the name Saruman is one the humans gave him. His Quenya name, Curumo, has little to do with Sauron, nor with the latter’s original name Mairon before he revealed his allegiance to Melkor and the elves dubbed him Sauron (Quenya) and Gorthaur (Sindarin).

There is a connection between them, but it isn’t by name. They were both originally Maiar of Aulë, both ambitious and cunning, both desiring order. But where Sauron thought siding with Melkor would get him the means to impose his noble order, Saruman stuck with the Valar and was eventually sent to protect the newly awakened elves from Melkor.

Still, that shared ambition for order eventually made allies of them, while their respective cunning saw each scheming against the other. If Gandalf and those meddling mortals hadn’t gotten in the way, the final stage of the War of the Ring would have been a struggle between these two former colleagues. Depending on where the Ring ended up, that might have been an interesting struggle, the two most cunning Maiar going head to head, but I think it’s for the best we never found out how that would have gone.

Not “nearly” and not “Celeborn Teleporno”.

Celeborn is his name in the language Sindarin.

Teleporno is his name in the language Quenya.

I think you can see the similarities between “Cele/Tele” and “born/porn(o)”, right?

Similarly Galadriel (Sinadrin) has a Quenya name - Altáriel.

We have very similar situations here on Earth with differences in spelling/pronunciation between languages (and ages): James vs Iacobus or Catherine vs Aikaterínē.