Wandering Adventure Party

Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As ‘The Jennifer Hudson Show’ Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max VelocityThe post Howie Mandel Ricocheted Down Hall As ‘The Jennifer Hudson Show’ Spirit Tunnel Reaches Max Velocity appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/howie-mandel-ricocheted-down-hall-as-the-jennifer-hudson-show-spirit-tunnel-reaches-max-velocity/

La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine DripMONROE, MI—Citing its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips. “There’s no better way to relax than with our luxurious recliners and a steady stream of opioids flowing right into you…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/la-z-boy-introduces-adjustable-morphine-drip/

Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin LangThe bride and groom tied the knot this year, 2025, but you wouldn’t know it considering she walked down the aisle to a fucking Lumineers song.The post Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rosemarie-sheppard-and-martin-lang/

Dilbert Creator DiesScott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert has died at 68, having drawn criticism after veering into far right politics. What do you think?The post Dilbert Creator Dies appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/dilbert-creator-dies/

Pundits Praise Strength, Dexterity Required For Trump To Successfully Lift Middle FingerNEW YORK—Lauding the commander-in-chief’s response to being heckled at a Ford plant as a stunning physical feat, pundits from multiple media outlets praised President Donald Trump on Thursday for summoning the strength and dexterity necessary to successfully lift his middle finger. “The o…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/pundits-praise-strength-dexterity-required-for-trump-to-successfully-lift-middle-finger/

‘Washington Post’ Publishes Editorial Defending FBI Raid On Its ReporterWASHINGTON—Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Post published an editorial Thursday defending the FBI’s recent raid on its reporter. “As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. government’s decision to investigate our colleague Hannah…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/washington-post-publishes-editorial-defending-fbi-raid-on-its-reporter/

Elon Musk Files For Full Custody Of All U.S. ChildrenSTARBASE, TX—Claiming that his relationship with the nation’s adults had been ‘irreparably’ damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community, Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. “I will be filing for full custody today, given that every American parent supports the transition of infants,” M…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/elon-musk-files-for-full-custody-of-all-u-s-children/

Political Profile: Gregory BovinoGregory Bovino is “commander at large” of the U.S. Border Patrol’s mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino’s background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto: “Shoot first, dodge questions later.” Nostrils: Tactical grade Greatest Fear: HD video Hairstyle: Never a good sign High School Superlative: Least H…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/political-profile-gregory-bovino/

Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By EavesdroppingA new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do you think?The post Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By Eavesdropping ap…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/study-some-gifted-dogs-can-pick-up-new-words-by-eavesdropping/

Melania Trump Casts Longtime Aide Into Well Of GloomWASHINGTON—In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday.  Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of S…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/melania-trump-casts-longtime-aide-into-well-of-gloom/

Guitar Center Institutes 72-Hour Waiting PeriodWESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—In an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers. “Owning a guitar is a huge responsibility, and the last thing we want is for these instruments to fall into the wrong […]The post Guitar Center …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/guitar-center-institutes-72-hour-waiting-period/

Trump’s Military Spending By The NumbersWith its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trump’s military spending by the numbers.The post Trump’s Military Spending By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/trumps-military-spending-by-the-numbers/

Cindy PattonCindy Patton, 66, died Wednesday when a nugget of granola punctured her cyanide tooth.The post Cindy Patton appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/cindy-patton/

Conservatives Say Renée Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy NeighborWASHINGTON—Calling her actions “indefensible,” Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that Renée Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. “The fact of the matter is that Renée Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts,” said Vance, whose response to the death of the 37-year…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/conservatives-say-renee-good-was-brainwashed-by-bible-into-loving-thy-neighbor/

Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For AttentionThe post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/hospital-accused-of-faking-cancer-wing-for-attention/

GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 PlatformWASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official “ICE kills everyone” agenda for 2026. “In our continuing fight to make America great again, it is vital we maintain Republican control of the government so we can ensure […]The post …#theonionhttps://theonion.com/gop-adds-ice-kills-everyone-pillar-to-2026-platform/

Zillow Adds Segregation ScoreSEATTLE—In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they’re looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an area’s racial homogeneity. “Every home on Zillow now includes a rating of one to 100 based on […]The post Zillow Adds Segregation Score appeared fir…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/zillow-adds-segregation-score/

RFK Jr. Coughs Up Pair Of JeansThe post RFK Jr. Coughs Up Pair Of Jeans appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/rfk-jr-coughs-up-pair-of-jeans/

Child’s Blow Into Car Breathalyzer Rewarded With Dicey Trip To Ice Cream ShopMILWAUKEE—After instructing his 5-year-old son to imagine a bunch of birthday candles at the other end of the tube, local dad Rick Cerney, 41, reportedly rewarded the child’s blow into his car Breathalyzer Monday with a dicey trip to an ice cream shop. “Great job, buddy—just like a balloon, right?” Cerney said…#theonionhttps://theonion.com/childs-blow-into-car-breathalyzer-rewarded-with-dicey-trip-to-ice-cream-shop/

Keith BeldenDue to a hospital room mix-up, Keith Belden, 71, died peacefully surrounded by friends and family of Maurice Simpkins, 81.The post Keith Belden appeared first on The Onion.#theonionhttps://theonion.com/keith-belden/