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Kim Jong Un Can’t Believe Daughter Already Executing Boys
PYONGYANG—Tears welling in his eyes as he remarked upon how quickly things change, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un reportedly told aides Wednesday he couldn’t believe his daughter Kim Ju Ae was already old enough to be executing boys. “It’s incredible to think that just a few years ago, she barely knew the words […]
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https://theonion.com/kim-jong-un-cant-believe-daughter-already-executing-boys/
Pentagon Cuts Ties With Anthropic Over AI Safeguards
President Trump blacklisted AI company Anthropic after it rebuffed the Pentagon’s demands to lift all safeguards on the military’s use of its model due to its concerns about the use of AI for mass domestic surveillance and the development of weapons that fire without human involvement. What do you think?
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https://theonion.com/pentagon-cuts-ties-with-anthropic-over-ai-safeguards/
ICE Agent Injured After Repeatedly Trying To Detain People In Neighborhood Mural
MINNEAPOLIS—Bleeding profusely as he radioed for backup against the uncooperative crowd, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Ken Fischer was reportedly injured Tuesday after making repeated attempts to detain the people in a neighborhood mural. “I’ve got a couple dozen hostile and extremely large …
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Academy Museum Acquires Original Disney Adult
LOS ANGELES—Unveiling the procurement at the opening of the new exhibition Fanaticals: Cinema’s Most Fearsome Freaks, the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures announced this week that it had acquired the original Disney adult. “We are thrilled to confirm that self-professed ‘Disnerd’ Rick Tomko is now a part of our permanent collection,” said Academy Museum spokesperson […]…
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https://theonion.com/academy-museum-acquires-original-disney-adult/
Comes With The Mugs
They don’t need them, so it’s your win. And if you don’t need more mugs, then just leave your mugs with your current home. Let’s all just stop taking mugs with us whenever we move. That could start right here with this house. Reference #88225
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Adam Lazarus and Hayden Ortega
Ortega was married off to Lazarus in a peacekeeping deal aimed at easing tensions between Indianapolis and Cincinnati.
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https://theonion.com/adam-lazarus-and-hayden-ortega/
Best Get-Laid Plan
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Ayatollah Killed In U.S. Airstrike
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the theocratic dictator who ruled Iran for over 36 years, was killed in a massive U.S. and Israeli military operation, with the Iranian government announcing 40 days of public mourning following the death of the 86-year-old leader. What do you think?
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Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The ‘Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian’
BOSTON—Amid continued speculation about when the injured Celtics star might return to action, head coach Joe Mazzulla told reporters Tuesday that Jayson Tatum would remain sidelined until he successfully completed the “Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian,” a ri…
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https://theonion.com/joe-mazzulla-reiterates-jayson-tatum-will-not-return-until-he-passes-the-mazzulla-logic-puzzle-meridian/
I Am The God Of Your Children. I Am The Final Parent.
Hi, friends! Today, I’d like to talk to the grown-ups. I know it’s not easy raising children. Looking after little ones is a lot of work, and sometimes you just need a moment to breathe. So you plop your kids on the couch and turn on a Ms. Rachel video, giving yourself time to cook […]
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https://theonion.com/i-am-the-god-of-your-children-i-am-the-final-parent/
Both Siblings Quietly Pray They Get On Kiss Cam
CLEVELAND—As the pair crossed their fingers and stared longingly at the jumbotron, reports confirmed Sunday that siblings Henry and Daniel Komack were both currently praying they would be featured on Rocket Arena’s kiss cam. “Come on, come on, I want this more than anything,” whispered Henry Komack, 15, his breath trembling as he and his 13-year-old […]
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https://theonion.com/both-siblings-quietly-pray-they-get-on-kiss-cam/
Human Arm Hanging Limply Out Of Food Delivery Robot
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Mitch Nagler
Mitch Nagler, 92, died peacefully last Thursday, at last relinquishing his stranglehold on the best easy chair in the Silver Pines Retirement Community sunroom.
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https://theonion.com/mitch-nagler/
Nation Admittedly Curious To Hear How Trump Pronounces ‘Strait Of Hormuz’
WASHINGTON—While recognizing the small detail was of no real significance in the greater scheme of an escalating war with Iran, the entire U.S. populace admitted Tuesday that it was still curious to hear how President Donald Trump would pronounce “Strait of Hormuz.” “He’s gonna have to say it out loud eventually, and i…
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https://theonion.com/nation-admittedly-curious-to-hear-how-trump-pronounces-strait-of-hormuz/
Price Of Teeth Rises
According to Delta Dental’s new Original Tooth Fairy Poll, the average amount of money left under a pillow for a lost tooth has increased to $5.84 per tooth, up 17% from last year. What do you think?
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Trump On Fence About Attending Ayatollah’s Funeral
WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the implications of his presence at a particularly tense moment in relations between Iran and the United States, President Trump told reporters Monday that he remained on the fence about attending the funeral of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “If I go, I think it’ll really make me look strong, like I’m fully in charge […]
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Trump Wins $60 On Kalshi Betting He’ll Bomb Iran
WASHINGTON—Saying he just had a “gut feeling” about the U.S.-backed airstrike, President Trump announced Monday that he’d won $60 on Kalshi after betting that he would bomb Iran. “The odds were against me, but somehow I just knew that betting on an airstrike ordered by the president of the United States would hit,” said Trump, […]
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https://theonion.com/trump-wins-60-on-kalshi-betting-hell-bomb-iran/
Trump Creates Makeshift Situation Room In Mar-A-Lago Sauna
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Data Centers By The Numbers
The surge in AI, cryptocurrency, and other digital assets is rapidly increasing demand for computational infrastructure around the country. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind data centers. 0.8 New pH of your groundwater $900,000,000 What 16GB of RAM will cost next year 4,000 Palm fronds fanned to cool the servers 1 Security […]
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https://theonion.com/data-centers-by-the-numbers/
Anyone Else Have Those Weird Dreams Where Sobbing Future Generations Beg You To Change Course?
The human subconscious is such an interesting thing. No matter how much you think you’ve got it figured out, it’ll always spit out the most random stuff. Take me, for example. After coming home from a long day at the world’s most groundbreaking artificial intelligence organiza…
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https://theonion.com/anyone-else-have-those-weird-dreams-where-sobbing-future-generations-beg-you-to-change-course/